Old Scratch here. You may know me as Lucifer, Prince of Demons, Master of Intrigue, or Beelzebub.

You can call me Satan.

I’ve been around for many a long year, and you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here. Since my work at Napster has taken on a life of its own, I thought it was time to move on, set new goals for myself and conquer new horizons. So I took a job with a big, national concert promotion company.

“My title is “VP of Temptation.” Pretty impressive, eh?”

“And I’ll be helping you to seal your fate with shows like Bob Dylan, Tattoo The Earth and Furthur Festival. When you’re trying to set some money away for a rainy day, I’ll be waving Neil Young and Tower Of Power in your face. When the relatives try to rally for cousin Frank’s intervention, I’ll be confusing them with opportunities to see My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult and Christina Aguilera. No matter what your plans are, I’ll be making, excuse my French, “damn sure” you see a concert like Phish and Dave Matthews Band instead.

I’m really looking forward to this summer’s concert season. With Steely Dan, Tina Turner and Sting on the road, I’ll have plenty of opportunities to fill my soul quota for this year. Plus, with my new position, I get stock options, a free cell phone and a Beemer that’s A number one date-bait material. I’m going to be styling this summer. I’ll be the man of wealth and taste.

So if you meet me, have some courtesy and I’ll set you up with front row seats for shows like The Honey Nut Cheerios Soulfest 2000 and Ringo Starr & His All Starr Band. Five hundred percent mark up, of course, so you might as well kiss that new house down payment goodbye. Yes, I’m really going to enjoy this summer.

And besides, I thought it was about time I gave Whitney Houston a rest.