Tours de Farce: Sex, Lies & Tour Dates
And I also have it on good authority that their editor drinks. No, I’m not talking about a little pick-me-up in the morning. You know, like the vodka and orange juice everyone has waiting for them when they get out of the shower in the morning. I’m talking about full-blown boogie guzzling, like pouring Jack Daniels over his morning corn flakes. Compare what they’re listing for The Everly Brothers against our schedule and you’ll know what I mean.
And I hear that their Webmaster was arrested for indecent exposure. Or maybe it was for running drugs across the border. He’s definitely a mean one. Strictly bad news. I heard that he even tried to bribe the border cops with tickets for Sting and ‘N Sync. Heck, it’s a wonder he’s not in prison right now picking up the soap. Perhaps he has a good lawyer. Probably Johnnie Cochran.
I also heard that they employ illegal aliens to enter all the tour data the head of the company makes up. I believe he’s using children for the job and he pays them in Hershey bars. That and promo T-shirts for Girls Room, Vans Warped Tour 2000 and Don McLean.
Now, whatever you do, don’t say you heard this from me. I can’t confirm any of this. Just like I can’t confirm that the competition is a front for the Mob, and their real business is scalping tickets for Trio 3 and INXS to little old ladies in exchange for their Social Security checks. I can’t confirm it, but I’ll bet it’s true.
Just remember, you didn’t hear any of this from me. I wouldn’t want to be the one to start any rumors.