As with past Olympics, officials have taken a hard line against artificial stimulants. This year, the buzz word is “Hendrixiline,” a concoction of adrenal gland excretions combined with herbs and common over-the-counter diuretics. The drug offers musicians an edge by speeding up fretting action, while at the same time improving tonal dexterity. However, the drug is banned from the Olympics, mostly because of dangerous side effects. In an effort to combat the drug’s use, Olympic officials have commissioned a “Must Say No” campaign featuring messages from past Olympic stars such as a-ha and Jeffrey Osborne.

“Today’s amateurs must remember that a musician’s body is a temple,” says TV network color commentator and five time whisky shot put gold medallist Keith Richards. “If they ignore the warnings by professional musicians such as Ohio Players and Dream Theater, they’ll risk terrible side effects like unnatural ego enlargement and the desire to bed anything that moves. And that could be dangerous in a country filled with kangaroos.”

But the quest for excellence is not limited to the musicians. There’s the opening and closing ceremonies, where, once again, the U.S. is expected to shine. “Dese kids are marvelous,” gushes their trainer, the legendary Louis “The Brooklyn Bomber,” Pearlman. “For da last four years they’ve done nuttin’ but train for dis event. They’ve studied da form of Britney Spears and they’ve spent months learning da secrets of Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin.”

But years of training has taken its toll. “Crushed heels, broken legs, dislocated big toes, yeah, we’ve seen it all,” says Pearlman. “But come September, dese kids will know da thrill of victory.”

The legendary trainer pauses for a moment, perhaps remembering his own days of competing in the games. “Of course, they have also become very familiar with da agony of da feet.”