Heavy metal dinosaur Spinal Tap has found a replacement for the ex-Fleetwood Mac drummer in Sam Smales, a 35-year-old toilet paper salesman from Westerville, Ohio.

The lucky guy – who claims some shared relatives and traits with bassist Derek Smalls – beat out the rest of an applicant pool to win the right to the well-worn seat behind the drum kit.

Smales wiped up the competition with his 50-word essay explaining why he should be the latest in a long line of ill-fated drummers.

“My name is Smales … not Smalls,” he explained in a winning essay. “Smales / Smalls are derivations of the Welsh name Small, which explains our cucumbers. You need ‘family’ in the band, and my great uncle’s third cousin’s brother’s nephew is Derek Smalls.”

Smales recently won an award for “excellence in toilet paper sales.” The judges – Smalls, Rolling Stone editor David Wild and Listen.com editor Jon Pruett – unanimously agreed that this experience with sudden fame would greatly assist Smales in his ascent to rock stardom.

The drummer took his rightful place alongside the rest of Spinal Tap at the House of Blues in Los Angeles to celebrate the re-release of the rockumentary “This Is Spinal Tap.”

In addition to his trip to Hollywood for the premiere, Smales also won a drum kit and VHS and DVD copies of the re-mastered movie.

In recent weeks, Spinal Tap has taken on Napster – rolling out its improved version, “Tapster” – and launched lines of action figures. The band is also hawking five-inch-tall candles in the shape of Stonehenge. No word on whether other items – mud flaps and fire extinguishers come to mind – will be added to the merch list.