He just moved in a few weeks ago, and we’d like to know more about him. Who are his friends? What does he do for a living? How much did he pay in taxes last year? A person should know these things.

They say he goes to concerts. That he bought his tickets for Stone Temple Pilots at Ticketmaster. Paid the service charge, too. Could this be true? Or is it another baseless rumor?

And what about the noise up there? Some say he has a stereo. A CD player, too. There’s been reports that he plays CDs by Asian Dub Foundation and Glenn Tillbrook and dances around the living room. Some even claim that he’s had a woman up there, maybe even a school teacher, and that she willingly danced with him. This is getting serious.

What about those odd clothes he wears? T-shirts bearing strange markings like David Copperfield, Angelo Branduardi and KISS. And what are those clicks we hear? Could he have a computer? Could he be looking at dates for the Okayplayer Tour on the Internet? Maybe somebody should call the FBI, for this definitely requires some investigating. Maybe he’s one of those people who downloads MP3 versions of songs by Badly Drawn Boy. Someone should call the RIAA.

Where does he go when he’s not here? There’s been sightings of him at Barenaked Ladies and V.A.S.T., and I heard that he actually stood up and clapped for an encore. Do you suppose there may be a medical problem? That he’s under a doctor’s care? The pharmacist down at the corner says he buys over-the-counter drugs, and copies of Spin and Rolling Stone. Is he right? Could this be happening in our neighborhood? People have the right to know.

Whatever is going on, we must remain vigilante. We must be on guard. He’s a stranger to our community and he must be watched. He’s been seen at Punk-O-Rama and Neil Young concerts, and that’s a bad sign. A sign that he’s doing something that no one should be doing.

A sign that he might be having fun.