“No, but I might as well be. I was watching NBC’s broadcast of the Olympics. I swear, the peacock network hasn’t been the same since they lost Seinfeld. What is it, Diego?”

“Our air force says another seaplane has been hijacked and is being flown to the United States.”

“America? What is their heading, Diego?”

“The air force is not sure.”

“I’ll bet they’re flying to New Orleans. Santana is playing at the new arena with Everlast. Ah, the Big Easy. For such a show I would risk life and limb myself. But the people need me here, Diego. Sigh… Such is the life of the loyal despot.”

“Fidel, the air force is waiting for orders. Should they shoot it down?”

“However, the Dixie Chicks are playing in Miami. The way Martie Seidel plays the fiddle, she lights a torch deep within these old Machiavellian bones of mine. A warmth that I have not felt since Desi introduced me to Lucy so long ago. Such a choice, an epic, Solomon-like decision, for the brave pilot to make.”

“Brave? But, Fidel, they are deserters. They are committing treason against our country, and you talk of bravery?”

“No, Diego, not treason. For they are merely following their hearts. I can only promise the people shows like Ratdog and Marilyn Manson for so long. Even a dictator must deliver. Curse this concert embargo that enslaves my beloved Cuba! Fly on, brave pilot! Fly your passengers to the land of Stone Temple Pilots and Fates Warning. Fly. Fly away!”

“The air force now thinks they are headed towards Texas.”

“The Lone Star State? But of course, I should have realized it. Alice Cooper is playing in Houston tonight. And Moby just a few days later. Not only is señor pilot brave, but he has the taste of a gentleman. A real connoisseur. A true hero of Cuba.”

“Fidel! The air force now reports that the plane is out of fuel, and that it has landed in the ocean.”

“Are there any other ships in the area?”

“Both our navy and the yankees’ imperialist Coast Guard. What are your orders, Fidel?”

“If the Americans get there first, they will take the pilot, crew and passengers to the mainland of the capitalists. They will be seduced by the charms of k.d. lang and inspired by the machismo of Merle Haggard. Once they land on the concert shores of our neighbor to the north, their hearts will belong to Britney Spears and Willie Nelson. We will have lost them.”

“And what if our navy gets there first, Fidel? What are the orders?”

“Standard procedure, Diego. Just like the last time.”

“Prison for twenty years? But, Fidel, what happened to ‘bravery’ and how their pilot is a ‘true hero?’ You would send such people to prison?”

“Perhaps you’re right, Diego. They only wanted Blues Traveler and Funky Tekno Tribe. I cannot condemn that for which my own heart yearns.”

“Your orders, then, Fidel?”

“Make it prison for 10 years. With extra bread on Sundays.”

“You are truly a merciful man, Fidel.”

“Si.”