We at Pollstar.com do not take controlled substances lightly. Tour data is a serious business, where impaired vision could easily cause a data entry person to mistake a 6 for an 8 on The Waterboys schedule, or confuse Dixie Chicks with Marilyn Manson. Mistakes like these cannot be tolerated. Especially when netizens stake their lives on accurate data for The Smashing Pumpkins, Michael English and Alabama.

We’re not ones to brag, but we implemented our own screening program way back in 1967, and have relied on our crack security department, headed up by retired sheriff’s deputy, Bernard Fife, to weed out the smokers, sniffers and shooters before they can do serious damage to the schedules for Pro-Pain and Beenie Man. Make no mistake about it. We are a zero-tolerance company, and should not be considered a flashback to a more permissive era.

So you see, we at Pollstar.com were well wired into this drug testing thing long before it became the norm in the American workplace. However, society is jonesing for more stringent testing. Because of these developments, Pollstar.com management promises that each one of our staffers will submit one-quart specimen samples to be used for urine, DNA and skin scratch/epidermal testing. This is to assure you that the schedules for Paul Weller, Nicol Smith and Pato Banton & The Reggae Revolution were prepared by clean and sober workers.

However, like many projects, these things take time. We do have other priorities. There are deadlines to be met and dates to be entered, like the ones we received today for Enuff Z’Nuff and Grits. But we can assure you that the implementation of our new drug testing procedures is one of our highest priorities and will begin as soon as humanly possible.

In fact, it’s set to start as soon as we have Windows 2000 running at 100 percent efficiency.