We’ve been getting a few complaints and we thought it best that we pass them along before things get out of hand.

First of all, there are reports that some tour crews may be using obscene language. We’ve had unconfirmed instances of roadies for The Offspring saying “damn,” lighting techs for Motorhead muttering “hell,” and even a couple of unidentified road managers, perhaps working for either Bob Dylan or Marilyn Manson, letting loose with a few choice words that decency and common sense prevent us from publishing in this space. Come on, people, think of the children. And besides, vulgarity is always the first sign of poor communication skills.

We’ve also heard rumors that copies of Playboy have been spotted on the tour buses for The Wallflowers and The Cult. Drivers, please take a good look around your bus before heading out for the next show. Artists, such as Kinky Friedman and Jerry Jeff Walker, are very sensitive and must be protected from filth and degradation. And excuses such as, “I only read it for the articles,” just won’t wash. Remember, sound minds lead to healthy bodies and sold-out performances.

Which brings us to the last item on the agenda. We’re not going to name any names, but there have been some incidents of crew members for some of the biggest tours, maybe even Bon Jovi and Green Day, having, shall we say, “carnal relations,” outside the benefit of wedlock. This must stop immediately. Sexual relations should only be conducted with legally married spouses. And remember, contrary to what you may have been told, road managers are not permitted to perform emergency marriage ceremonies. At least, not outside Mississippi.

As men and women of the concert industry, you are expected to set an example. For over 100 years this industry has been the epitome of morality, clean living and good manners. Besides, in today’s political climate, you don’t want mothers pointing at Nina Gordon or Men Of Porn as being unfit for family consumption. No matter where you play, please remember that you are a guest in their town.

That concludes today’s briefing. Be careful out there.