“Hello. May I speak with Mr. Gore, please?”

“This is Mr. Gore.”

“Al, this is Jack Valenti, president of the Motion Picture Association of America. You might know me as the King of Hollywood.”

“Of course. How are you, Jack?”

“That’s Mr. Valenti. After all, you’re still the VP. Al, I wanted to comment on that last debate, and those remarks you made about cleaning up Hollywood.”

“Somebody’s got to do it, Mr. Valenti. We’ve got to protect the children.”

“That’s why I’m calling, Al. I wanted you to know that I’m all for it.”


“Starting today, I’m ordering the entertainment industry to stop marketing violence and sex to children. And we’re going to start with the music business.”

“I knew you’d see the light, Mr. Valenti.”

“I talked to The Offspring last night and they seemed pretty reasonable.”

“I thought they would be.”

“And The Hollisters, Bile and the artists on the Jingle Ballers Jam all agreed to watch the obscenity thing. Especially .”

“That’s good.”

“I also talked to all the country artists like John Michael Montgomery and The Oak Ridge Boys. They’re all pulling for you and they said if it means deep sixing the songs about drinking and fooling around, so be it.”


In fact, all the music artists, including Reprazent and Type O Negative, said that they would like to get together and do a campaign benefit fundraiser for you. What do you think of that, Al?”

“That would be swell.”

“And Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis said they would like to host the fundraiser.”

“Really? I thought those two were Republicans.”

“Nah, when it comes to politics, they’re just like Anne Heche. They can’t make up their minds. Anyway, the whole music industry would like to get behind this benefit for you, but they’re going to want something in return.”

“Of course.”

“They were thinking of something along the lines of a constitutional amendment that would make using Napster punishable by death.”

“No problem.”

“And passing a law that requires each adult to go to at least three concerts a week and see acts like Andy Williams, Amy Rigby and Relative Ash, with the ticket prices being deducted from their paychecks, just like Social Security.”

“Consider it done.”

“Oh, and one more thing.”

“What’s that, Mr. Valenti?”

“One of your daughters must marry Marilyn Manson.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, Mr. Valenti. I usually let my daughters marry whoever they like and…”

“Marilyn said he would like your youngest daughter bound, gagged and delivered to him before the election. He also said…. He also…Ha, ha, ha,… I mean… He also…”

“Wait a minute. You’re not Mr. Valenti.”

“Heh, heh, heh. Gotcha good, Al.”

“George Dubya??!! Arrgh! Just wait until next month. You are gonna be sooo defeated!!”

“Gotta run, Al. It’s been real.”


“Gosh, I hate it when he does that.”