“Hey, bartender, do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?”

“That depends. What’s up?”

“You ever have any trouble in your bar?”

“Funny you should mention that. Just the other night, after the Tab Benoit concert, this guy is sitting at my bar sipping a brew, when this other man walks in and starts bothering him.”

“Oh, yeah? Like, what was he doing?”

“Well, the second guy says to the first one, ‘Weren’t you on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? a few weeks ago?’ And the first guy says, ‘Yeah, what about it?’ Then the second man starts telling him how stupid he is.”

“Really?”

“Uh, uh. He tells him that he’s a complete moron because he missed an easy one hundred dollar question. Something about who’s touring with Marilyn Manson.”

“That’s easy. Union Underground on the first leg, Cold on the second leg, and Godhead on all dates. I thought everyone knew that.”

“You’d think so, but I guess this guy really blew it. Then the second guy starts laying it on thick. Tells the first guy he’s so dumb that he probably doesn’t know who’s playing at the Garden December 12 & 13.”

“You mean the Dave Matthews Band? But that’s common knowledge.”

“Yeah, but the first guy didn’t know it.”

“Then what happened?”

“Then the second guy asks the first guy if he ever listens to any music. That’s when it happened.”

“And?”

“The first guy said, ‘Sure. All the time. My favorite singer is Britney Aguilera.'”

“Cripe, what an idiot.”

“For sure. That’s when the second guy just hauled off and hit him. Knocked him down on the floor. Then he started jumping up and down on him, screaming, ‘That’s Britney Spears you moron! And Christina Aguilera! Lord how I hate stupid people! I’ll bet you don’t even know about The Irish Tenors in Cleveland, or where Offspring is playing next month. Stupid, stupid, stupid!'”

“Wow!”

“It ain’t over yet. I pulled the second guy off the first guy, and whew, what a mess. He was beaten to a pulp. I called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital. I hear he’s in intensive care.”

“That’s some story. What did you do about the second guy?”

“The only thing I could do. I walked right up to him, looked him in the eye and said…”

“Yes? Go on.”

“May I please have your autograph, Mr. Philbin?”