It seems that today’s column disturbed more than just a few folks, and after inquiries from the FBI, FCC, SAG and NACPA, we thought it best to remove the offending article and post this explanation instead.

First off, we’d like to say that we never meant any harm when we reported that cylinders from Mars had impacted just outside Grovers Mill, New Jersey. We thought it was just good clean fun when we described the alien war machines emerging from their interplanetary ships and training their hideous death rays on Pat McGee Band, Hank Williams III and the Anger Management Tour. We didn’t think anyone would take us seriously. After all, we publish a factual, daily report of the concert industry 24/7, 52 weeks a year, and we never thought our readers would believe this morning’s account of an alien invasion, mass destruction and the assimilation of Grand Funk Railroad and Sting to be the real deal.

Unfortunately, we were wrong and we have the email to prove it.

Our little tale of the Martian death walkers, trampling over major venues like Madison Square Garden and the Arrowhead Pond, frightened more than a few readers. “Where will we play?” cried the Dave Matthews Band. “Not our dressing rooms, too!” exclaimed Tina Turner. Plus, we spent most of the morning answering the phone every five minutes to hear Marilyn Manson ask, “Did they get Ohio, yet? No? Damn!”

We have to admit, when testing our little “War Of The Tours” in focus groups, call-out research and exit polls, we never thought anyone would actually believe that Mars had invaded Earth and that monstrous beings were zapping great bands like Jethro Tull and Blueground Undergrass. We only wanted to celebrate the mood of the holiday, and we couldn’t very well dress up in a sheet, jump out of your bushes and shout “Boo!” to each and every one of you.

So if tonight you see someone with safety pins protruding from the cheeks, nostrils stapled shut and drool dripping from the jowls, do not fear. That’s no Martian, but someone who knows how to celebrate the true spirit of Halloween.

Or a music fan going to see GWAR in DC tonight. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the difference.