“Gee, Heave, did you have to go and cut Eddie like that?”

“He deserved it, Wally. He said he was going to beat me up and steal my Paul Weller tickets.”

“You’re kidding. Eddie actually said that?”

“Well, not really. But he was thinking about it. I could tell by that look in his eyes.”

“Heave, you’ve got to stop imagining that people are going to hurt you. Dad isn’t going to like what you did to Eddie’s face, not to mention leaving his ears on the driveway.”

“It doesn’t matter, Wally. Dad’s going to sell us to the SFX testing facilities so he can buy tickets for World Party and Yo La Tengo. Here he comes now. Hi, Dad.”

“Hello, boys. Your mother and I were just talking about you two.”

“See, Wally?”

“Shut up, Heave. What’s up, Dad?”

“The Hendersons invited your mother and myself to join them for the ‘N Sync concert. Can you boys handle being home by yourselves? Wally?”

“Sure, Dad. No sweat.”

“Heaver?”

“Home? Alone? With Wally?”

“What do you say, Heaver? It’s been a while since your mother and I have been able to get out of the house.”

“Oh, Dad, please don’t go. As soon as you and Mom leave, The Saw Doctors and Glenn Tilbrook will kidnap me and take me to Winnipeg where I’ll be chained to a sewing machine and forced to make concert industry-strength condoms for two cents a day. Please, Dad, please, I’m begging you!”

“And I was so hoping it wouldn’t come down to this. Wally, could you get Heaver’s straitjacket while I prepare an injection?”

“Sure, Dad.”

Is Heaver imagining things? Will Eddie continue to be a productive member of society after 961 skin grafts? Will Ward and June ever get out of the house for a good show like The Young Gods or Peter Green Splinter Group? And what’s latex going for in Winnipeg, anyway? Join us next week when we hear Heaver say…

“So you see, Wally. Napster is a Republican plot to steal California’s energy so they can punish the state for voting for Gore last November.”

“Oh gee, Heave, you promised Mom and Dad you wouldn’t skip on your medication. And… and… is that Dad’s Glock?”

Don’t miss all the fun and laughs coming up next week on “Leave It To Heaver!”