“And I’m Courtney Love Hewitt. We are witnessing the moment where careers are made and dreams are smashed. For the past several days, booking agents representing some of the finest talent in live music such as Eric Clapton, Jethro Tull and 3 Doors Down, have been competing for that coveted first prize, the Golden Cell Phone.”

“And now the tension mounts as we begin the final round. You know, Courtney, it was only a few days ago that spectators were calling ‘Fast’ Eddie Felson ‘yesterday’s news,’ after the five-time Golden Cell Phone runner-up sprained his ankle booking Mix Master Mike and Grandaddy in the prelims. But the intense pain seems to be the driving force propelling him to the number one slot.”

“That’s right, Iggy, and now he’s just one victory away from… There goes the bell! Felson is light on his feat as he receives the promoter’s offer.”

“Yes, we’re seeing that famous Felson footwork, Courtney, reminiscent of the 1999 Kyoto competition when he swept the finals by booking 10 dates in less than 5 minutes for Wheatus and Toots & The Maytals. Look, he has the promoter up against the ropes… He feints… throws out a counter offer and… Yes! It looks like he has a deal!”

“But it’s not over till it’s over, Iggy. Felson has a verbal agreement, and now he needs to nail down that date with a signed contract. He’s moving into position, he’s dropping his trousers, and… and… My God, Iggy, would you look at the size of that thing!”

“Yes, Courtney, that’s got to be one of the largest stingers we’ve ever seen in competition. They don’t call him the Muhammad Ali of concert booking for nothing.”

“I must say, Iggy, that he’s putting it to good use. One, two, three… Yes, it looks like 10 solid dates, all stung, sealed and delivered in less than one minute! That’s got to be a new record!”

“I think that promoter is going to have some angry welts come morning. Courtney, I’ve just been handed copies of the final contracts. What’s really amazing is that, while we thought Felson was negotiating on behalf of U2 or Depeche Mode, it seems that he did not actually name an act.”

“Do you mean that he managed to close a 10-show deal without even telling the promoter who he was booking?”

“That’s right, Courtney. Folks, this is definitely a historic moment in Xtreme Booking. Coming up, our cameras will take you to the locker room for a victory interview with ‘Fast’ Eddie Felson, this year’s Golden Cell Phone champion. We’ll ask him how it feels to be on top, and what his plans are for the Olympics. But first, a word from our sponsor.”