“What’s that? You want the latest on the Mir? According to our calculations, it should hit the Earth sometime on Thursday. What? Early reports did indicated that it might hit New York, but after we checked the data and saw that Lee “Scratch” Perry and Jeff Beck both have shows on that day, we nudged the space station into an alternate orbit. Uh? Not to worry. The Mir will fall harmlessly into the ocean. Thank you for calling the Russian Space Agency.”

“Russian Space Agency. Boris speaking. “Excuse me? You’re worried that if the Mir falls on Denver, you’ll miss seeing Luciano Pavarotti? Da, the 40-ton behemoth should impact harmlessly in the Pacific Ocean. What? No, sir, that’s the Mir. Mr. Pavarotti is still scheduled for the Pepsi Center. Thank you for calling.”

“Russian Space Agency. Boris speaking. Uh? Someone told you that fragments of the Mir might not fall until sometime later this year? You’re worried that it might cause problems for tours by Journey, Ian Hunter and Bill Bruford’s Earthworks? Relax, the most excellent Russian Space Agency is on the job. Thank you for calling. Oh, you’re quite welcome. By the way, those shows are indoors, aren’t they? Er… no reason, just curious.”

“Russian Space Agency. Boris speaking. Oh, it’s you… Da, we are telling everyone that the Mir is targeted to hit the Pacific Ocean on Thursday. What? That’s right… That’s just a cover story. Uh, uh… Well, it wasn’t easy, but we banged on the uplinks a couple of times and managed to alter the orbit. Have no fear, the Mir will impact directly on the map coordinates that you referred to as ‘Napster.’ Da, that’s right, Redwood City, California at 12 noon. You have my word on it. No problem. Call us back anytime.”

“Oh, and thank you for the free Metallica CDs and T-shirts, Mr. Ulrich.”