“In my hands I hold the list of new tours for today. While I read from the list, my partner, Roy, will demonstrate the recent consolidation of the concert industry by sticking his head in a ferocious Bengal tiger. Ready, Roy?”

“Ready!”

“The first new tour on the list is Counting Crows. It starts in San Diego on July 6 and… and… Roy? What seems to be the problem?”

“The tiger won’t open her mouth.”

“Ah, yes, the perils of live TV. Fortunately, we are prepared for any situation. I’ll just open this 10-pound can of tuna and spread the contents over Roy’s head and face. How’s that, Roy?”

“Mmmm. Chicken of the Sea.”

“As Roy opens the tiger’s mouth, the second new tour on our list is Wailing Souls. It starts in Oregon and… and… Oh, now what’s the problem?”

“The tiger won’t stop licking my face. It tickles.”

“She loves that tuna, doesn’t she? Here, let me rub this ground chuck on your chest and shoulders. There… Ready?”

“Ready.”

“As Roy opens the tiger’s mouth and inserts his head down the beast’s throat, our third new tour on the list is Pat McGee Band. Playing colleges, nightclubs and festivals the tour starts…. Roy? What’s the problem this time?”

“It’s dark in here.”

“You need to go in deeper. Ladies and gentlemen, while I use this electric cattle prod to push Roy down the tiger’s throat, the remaining list of new tours, including Ben Harper, The Warren Brothers and Paris Combo, will scroll across your TV screen. There. My partner is completely inside the tiger! How’s it going down there, Roy?”

“I’m surrounded by old concert promoter signs. There’s Delsener / Slater, Pace Concerts, Sunshine Promotions, Evening Star and… and… Mphhhpmm.”

“What was that?”

“Tiger’s… digestive… juices… eating… skin.”

“Hang in there, Roy, we still have 219 new tours to list, like Andy Narell, or Quiet Riot in Mexico.”

“But… I… I’m melting.”

“There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Let’s have a big hand for Roy, who just demonstrated the recent consolidation of the concert industry. Be sure to join us tomorrow when Roy will cover himself with 1000 tiny paper cuts and then climb into a piranha-filled tank to demonstrate how corporate sponsorship works.”