Sex has reared its ugly head at Pollstar.com.
For the past 75 years we’ve adhered to the scientific principle that women make the best tour data processors. This is due to the extra lobe in the area of the brain known as the Routus Bookglotum. Because of this, we’ve made it a practice to assign women the tough jobs, like prepping the itineraries for Bob Dylan and Joan Jett & The Blackhearts. That’s where we got into trouble.
The state told us that if we didn’t start hiring men, we would lose our tour data tax-exempt status.
That may not sound like much of a problem, but when you introduce two young men like Rick and Tony into a mix of 816 young ladies and the schedules for hot acts like Dido and Stereophonics, you’re bound to have a few “incidents.”
It started when our head of processing / underwater demolitions expert, Wendy, purposely leaned over Rick’s desk, letting the dates for that massive Styx / Bad Company co-headline spill out over the top of her sweater and dangle in the poor guy’s face. That’s pretty tough to ignore.
Not to be outdone, our tour-development chief / biological testing expert, Carrie, walked over to Tony’s desk, slapped some dates on his keyboard and whispered in his ear, “Hey, big fella. How would you like to route the Barenaked Ladies?”
That’s when we knew there was trouble in River City.
Not to be outdone, our Canadianese interpreters, Colleen and Carol, grabbed all the dates for Will Oldham and Pat McGee Band, then ambushed Rick in the hallway during lunch and dragged him into the women’s restroom. We’re still not too sure what happened next, but witnesses said they heard a lot of flushing and screaming. Try explaining that on the workers comp forms.
Then there’s Jackie, our booking agent obedience officer. Although she’s remained silent during the entire experience, she is currently lying in wait out in the parking lot for whoever exits the building first. She’s got the dates for The Smithereens, Lil’ Bow Wow and Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers in one hand, a bottle of Mogen David’s best 20/20 in the other, and a wicked grin on her face that clearly states that this is one woman who will not be denied.
Yes, things haven’t quite been the same since we started hiring men to process the tour data at Pollstar.com. Even now, all of our female employees are forming two long lines in the hallway while Carrie passes out whipped cream to each and every one of them.
Wendy says its something she learned during her Navy Tailhook days. She calls it, “walking the gauntlet.” We don’t know what that means, but we have a feeling it’s not going to be pretty.