“I don’t have to tell you we’re in serious doo-doo. The record labels want to shut us down, the judge wants to pull the plug, and that drummer from Metallica is down in the parking lot slashing tires and keying cars. Counselor, I need some legal advice. What should we tell the labels?”

“Tell them that we’ve successfully stopped 35 percent of our users from trading songs by Robert Plant, 71 percent who were trading G. Love & Special Sauce songs and 100 percent who were trading songs by Bill Clinton.”

“What? There aren’t any songs by Bill Clinton.”

“See how good our system works?”

“Hmmm… What do you think, Harpo?”

“Honk!”

“Well, if it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for me. Counselor, any luck in court?”

“I had terrible luck in court, Boss. It’s like a circus in that courtroom. Which reminds me, what’s gray, has a trunk, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives at the circus?”

“Uh? Our company’s future is at stake because we can’t stop our users from trading songs by Lyle Lovett and Natalie Cole, and you’re giving me riddles? That’s irrelevant.”

“That’s right, Boss. There’s a lot of irrelephants at the circus.”

“Honk!”

“We’ve got to stop the trading of all these songs by Eric Clapton and Jethro Tull or the labels will have our hides. What’s the latest on blocking the users who misspelled file names?”

“We’ve blocked 75 percent and we sent the rest to Marine World.”

“Marine World? Why did you send them to Marine World?”

“Because we discovered that they were misspelling names like Sting, Green Day and Neil Young on porpoise.”

“Honk!”

“All these copyright infringement lawsuits are draining our cash reserves. Right now I’d do anything for money. I’d even kill for money. Heck, I’d even kill you for money.”

“But, Boss, I’m your lawyer. Surely you don’t mean that.”

“No, of course not.”

“Whew!”

“I’d kill you for free.”

“Honk!”

“Boss, the record labels are willing to settle. All we have to do is sign these papers.”

“Really? Lemme see those papers. Hmmm… What’s this part about ‘being of sound mind and body?'”

“That’s standard in any contract. It means you can’t sign if you’re crazy. It’s called a ‘sanity clause.'”

“A sanity clause? No way am I going to sign this.”

“But, Boss, if you don’t sign the papers, we’ll never get the rights to distribute songs by Ricky Van Shelton and moe. They’ll shut us down. Why won’t you sign?”

“Because everyone knows that when it comes to music licensing, there ain’t no sanity clause.”

“Honk! Honk!”