As you browse the latest additions for Janet Jackson and the Paul Simon Tour With Brian Wilson on this fine Saturday, imagine for a moment what life would be like without the Internet.

No huddling before the warm glow of the monitor as the friendly cathode rays beam out from the screen and stimulate your frontal lobes while you gaze upon the dates for BTO, S Club 7 and Lionel Richie. A world devoid of mouse clicks, carpal tunnel syndrome and considerate emails from concerned folks announcing that you, too can make money at home. A world with no Internet.

Scary thought, eh? A world without dot-com, dot-org, dot-gov, dot-edu or dot-anything. A world where you can’t sit at your computer and effortlessly call up tour dates for Juan Gabriel or Sex Mob. A world where no one enjoys the equal treatment afforded by the egalitarian nature of text. A world where everyone knows you’re a dog.

Hard to believe, but there are people out there who want to take away your Internet. They think you’d be better off spending time with your family. That you should be working out at the gym or reading a good book instead of sitting there like a sack of flesh, guzzling over-sugared soft drinks and jamming Doritos in your mouth while you browse the latest dates for The Statler Brothers, Madonna and Squirrel Nut Zippers.

What can you do about it? Stand up for your rights. Tell them that there are more important things than a job, a spouse and kids or personal hygiene. There are tours to be read and shows to see. Go ahead, click on Barenaked Ladies and watch the dates scroll across your screen. Call up the dates for NRBQ and Canned Heat. This is living. This is the way things are supposed to be. Just you, your computer and great bands like Bio Ritmo and Orbit.

So when people call you up this weekend and invite you to go water skiing, fishing, sailing, or golfing, you tell them you have better things to do. You tell them life is too short to physically exert yourself. You tell them you have to look up tour dates for Ron Jeremy’s S&M Sideshow on Pollstar.com this weekend!

Just don’t rub it in. After all, you don’t want to make them jealous.