“Hello, Mr. Peabody.”

“Hilary, to use a boxing metaphor, you and the Recording Industry have Napster up against the ropes. You have beaten them to a pulp and the manager is about to throw in the towel. It’s the last round, and you’re positioning yourself in hopes of delivering that merciless killing blow before the timekeeper rings the final bell. I think I speak for all of our listeners when I ask, ‘What’s next after Napster?'”

“That’s a very good question, Mr. Peabody. Those of us dedicated to protecting the copyrights of great artists like Snoop Dogg and Slipknot must constantly be on guard against new technologies if we are to continue the American tradition of charging $18 or more for a CD.”

“That’s a pretty tough job.”

“We’re up to the task, Mr. Peabody. That’s why we’re investigating human cloning.”

“Cloning? Why?”

“Consider the possibilities. If science managed to clone a major artist, such as Eric Clapton or Tori Amos, the Recording Industry’s entire business infrastructure could be at risk.”

“How so?”

“They could clone anyone they want, such as Stevie Nicks or Lyle Lovett. Now I know that sounds like an innocent little experiment, but what if the clones signed with independent record labels?”

“I see how that could be a problem. Hilary, if I may use an ocean metaphor, the current independent online music services are like so much bleeding chum scattered in the sea, and the RIAA is circling, preparing to feast on their remnants. My question is, ‘how do you keep others from following in their footsteps?'”

“I’m glad you asked that, Mr. Peabody. We’re about to launch a radio campaign to educate the consumer about intellectual property rights. It’s very important for the consumers to understand that just because they paid $18 and up for a CD by 311 or Wilco that doesn’t mean they own the CD. In fact, I’ve worked up this little jingle with Bob Dylan, and if someone backstage could get my guitar, I’ll sing a few bars for you.”

“Okay. Uh, my boy, Sherman, wants to know which guitar is yours. It’s the Gibson, right?”

“Right. Ready? Here we go…”

We’ll sue you if you try to rip a song

We’ll sue you cuz we know you’re in the wrong

We’ll sue you if you try to share a track

We’ll sue you if our watermarks you hack

Well I wouldn’t feel so over abused

Everybody must get sued

“That is a catch little number, Hilary. Well, I see our time is about up.”

“I also have this tune I did with Phil Collins.”

“I’m afraid there isn’t enough time…”

“I like to call it, ‘Sue, Sue Suedio.'”

“You’ve been listening to ‘Future Schlock.’ Tonight our guest has been…”

“And I’ve hooked up with Creedence Clearwater Revisited to do an old R&B tune. It goes like this…”

Oh, sue you, too

Oh, sue you too

“Our guest has been Hilary Rosen…”

Oh, baby, I’ll sue you

Yeah, sue you, too

“Of the Recording Industry Association of America.”

Sue you, too

“Goodnight, everybody.”