But I’ve been watching you as you look up the dates for Sugar Ray and I’d like to get to know you. Say, do you work out? I thought so. It shows, believe me, it shows. By the way, that’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. It really compliments your eyes. And that smile! Who’s your dentist?

What? Who am I? You want to know more about me? Oh, shucks, there isn’t much to tell. Besides, I’d rather talk about you. You’re much more interesting. Well… all right. Lessee… How can I say this?

I’m the biggest brown-noser you’ll ever meet.

What are you doing tonight? Nothing? A person like you is staying home on a Friday? Here, take my Aerosmith tickets. And while I think of it, why don’t you take my tickets for Dave Matthews and Mark Mulcahy. Go ahead. You deserve it.

Embarrassed? Me? Heck no. I come from a long line of brown-nosers. I know what to kiss, when to kiss it, where to kiss it, how to kiss it, and when to stop kissing it. Believe me, this nose knows.

Hey, is that a picture of Britney Spears? What? It’s not? It’s your wife? The resemblance is amazing. Dye her hair blond, ditch the glasses, straighten the teeth, drop about 90 pounds, pull back that extra skin, chisel out a jaw and she’d look just like Britney. But I’ll bet you get a lot of that.

I gotta tell you, it’s not easy being a brown-noser. Sometimes it’s tough just getting out of bed in the morning. All those compliments to deliver. All those nice remarks to make about how your hairline isn’t really receding, that your not getting older, you’re getting better, that you’re like a fine wine improving with age. But with you, it’s easy. The compliments just keep on coming. I think the whole world should know that you’re a fantastic human being. Go ahead, take a bow.

Tell you what. You go about your business looking up dates for Canned Heat and Cali Comm on Pollstar.com and I’ll just sit here and admire your style, your debonair ways and your panache. And after you finish looking at all the new show info for Pennywise and Seven Mary Three, I’ll take you to lunch. You pick the place. Money is no problem. A person like you should always eat at the finest restaurants in town. Nothing but the best for you. Lead the way.

Just one thing, though. I feel kind of awkward about this, but I need to ask for one small favor. Just a tiny request. While you’re leading the way, please don’t suddenly stop or back up.

After all, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to put my nose out of joint.