We’ve been working late, clocking overtime and sending out for pizza in order to meet our self-imposed deadline on implementing our secure, artist-compensated tour-date service, and now we’re ready to offer our catalog of concert events, including the schedules for Ronan Keating, Los Straitjackets and K’s Choice to a paying public.

But first we’d like to take this opportunity to answer your questions as well as dispel any rumors you might have heard about our new service.

Will I be able to move the tour dates, such as the new routings for Human Nature and The Statler Brothers, to a portable tour date player?

Absolutely not. Our new tour date service guarantees that all parties will be paid for every single date, and moving tour routings to a player, or for that matter, burning them onto a CD, violates the service agreement. In fact, you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking.

Can I trade the dates for Stars On Ice with a friend, or distribute the dates for John Cowan Band on a peer-to-peer network?

Are you kidding? We’re talking intellectual property here, folks, and allowing for the Internet distribution of dates for Tom Rush and Alan Jackson would be detrimental to the principle that those who route artists, such as booking agents, managers and promoters, should be paid for their efforts. For more information, please see the service agreement, especially Chapter 5 titled, “Give Us Our Money Or Suffer The Consequences.”

What’s the difference between the dates for Addison Groove Project that’s listed on the Pollstar.com premium service, and the same listing provided for free on other Websites?

One word. Bandwidth. For our Pollstar.com premium service, we employ the widest bandwidth possible, enabling our paying customers to access the dates for Al Stewart, Guns ‘N Roses and Gaelic Storm in all their typographical glory. Not only do you get artist and date, but you get city and venue as well. Plus, all this great information is displayed on your monitor in their original fonts. For more information, please see Chapter 3, subparagraph 4, titled, “Tour Dates Are Better When You Pay For Them.”

Once I download dates for George Winston or Trisha Yearwood, may I keep the dates forever?

You sure can. However, please keep in mind that “forever” is defined in our service agreement as “the length of time the party of the first part (that’s us) can continue charging monthly fees to the credit card belonging to the party of the second part (that’s you). In short, you can keep all tour dates “forever,” as long as you keep paying “forever.”

Will Pollstar.com sue me if I somehow figure out a way to crack the copy protection on the schedules for Trick Pony or Mudvayne?

Of course not. Lawsuits are sooo old school, plus we like to keep our legal expenses down. Please see the chapter in the service agreement labeled “You’re In Deep Doo-doo,” especially the subparagraphs titled “Dismemberment,” “Mutilation” and “Medieval Disciplinary Solutions To Modern Problems.”

In closing, we’d like to remind you that a paying Pollstar.com user is a happy Pollstar.com user, and we will do everything it takes to ensure that you get what’s coming to you. After all, who knows what you deserve better than your friends at Pollstar.com? And if you don’t agree with us, just check the service agreement.