The day after Christmas tour-date exchange has always been the most chaotic day of the year. Some of you have been lining up at our front door since late last night. Maybe you hope to exchange the tour dates you got for Christmas for schedules that are more to your liking. Or maybe you’re looking to cash in on after-Christmas bargains. Either way, we need to establish some ground rules before we open the doors.

First of all, arena tour dates can be exchanged for other arena tour dates, the same goes for theatres and nightclubs. For example, you can exchange Slipknot for Bob Dylan or Alicia Keys for Luther Vandross. However, you may not exchange a club tour, such as GWAR for an arena tour like Janet Jackson or Neil Diamond. The only exception to this rule is the Rod Stewart tour itinerary, which fluctuates in value on an almost hourly basis.

Secondly, we will not accept old, damaged or already-read tour dates. Yes, we know that sounds obvious, but you wouldn’t believe the number of people who try to pass off old dates for bands like The Breeders or Smash Mouth as brand new listings. After all, you wouldn’t want to wear somebody else’s used underwear, would you? It’s no different with tour dates.

And finally, no shoving, kicking, gouging, eye-poking, face-slapping or knees to the groin. Our goal is to have a safe and sane tour-date exchange, but we can’t do it without your help. We do not want a repeat of last year’s event, which sent over 321,231 people to emergencyroom.com.

Well, it looks like everything’s set. The guards are in their respective towers and the security cameras are rolling. In just a few minutes we’ll de-electrify the fence and open our front doors for the big after-Christmas tour-date exchange of 2001. We’ve got plenty of tours available for exchanging, like Cousteau and Jimmy Buffett, so let’s get crackin’.

Oh, and one more thing. We trust everyone has brought their receipts, right? Okay, we’ll begin at the sound of the starter pistol. On your marks! Get set…