“Is it true?”

“Is what true, sir?”

“That all your tickets are free? I saw your ad on TV last night, but I had to see it for myself.”

“Yes, sir, it’s true.”

“So, if I want tickets for No Doubt.”

“Free.”

“Enrique Iglesias and John Prine?”

“Zip.”

“Garbage, The Church and Better Than Ezra?”

“Nada.”

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch, sir. You see, here at Sid’s Ticket Buffet, we’re offering consumers the chance to roll their own concert experience. For example, which tickets would you like?”

“Let’s start with Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.”

“Very good, sir.”

“And those tickets are free?”

“Like the wind, sir. Now, would you like a chair to sit in?”

“Uh?”

“A chair, sir. You see, the tickets are free, and then you pick and choose which concert elements you want with your tickets. Would you like a chair to sit in?”

“Uh, sure.”

“One chair, ten dollars. Would you like that chair facing or not facing the stage?”

“Facing, of course.”

“Okay, that’s an additional twenty-five dollars.”

“That’s fine. This is still the best deal I’ve ever seen. And to think I’ve been spending big bucks on Vince Neil and F-8 Featuring Leif Garrett. This ‘roll your own’ concert concept is great.”

“Oh, we’re not finished yet, sir.”

“We’re not?”

“No, sir. Right now you have one chair facing the stage. Do you want restroom privileges?”

“Uh?”

“Our rate is fifteen dollars per visit, twenty dollars if you want tissue. Fifty dollars covers you for the entire evening.”

“Sure, sign me up for the night. That’s still the best ticket price I’ve seen in weeks. Here’s my credit card.”

“We’re still not finished yet, sir.”

“We’re not? But I have a ticket facing the stage with unlimited bathroom visits. What else do I need?”

“Would you like an encore with your concert?”

“What? An encore? Oh, I get it now. The free ticket is just a gimmick to get me in here so you can charge me up the yazoo for additional features. Like ten dollars for a chair to sit in, or thirty dollars for a bottle of water.”

“Our water is only twenty five dollars a bottle, sir.”

“Whatever. Look, just give me one ticket, okay? No chair, no restrooms, no nothing.”

“But, sir…”

“No ‘buts.’ You said all tickets are free, and I want a free ticket. So what if I have to experience a little discomfort? It’s worth it.”

“But sir…”

“Heck, I’ll stand with my back to the stage and I’ll wear Depends. Just give me the free ticket, okay?

“Yes, sir. I heard you the first time. Just one more thing.”

“What is it? What else could you possibly want to sell me?”

“How much air would you like to breathe?”