I’ve found the perfect man. He’s a man who knows the difference between arenas and outdoor amphitheatres, between tentative and firm. A man who keeps up on the additional shows for *NSYNC. A man who oozes date, city and venue for Nikka Costa from every pore on his body.

That’s right, I’ve snagged myself one of those Pollstar.com tour date men.

Oh, the nights together! We spend our evenings cuddling in front of the fire as he whispers the schedule for No Doubt, his tongue doing wicked, nasty things to my ear while he mentions which dates the support act, The Faint, appear, and touching my most erogenous zones when reciting the dates they do not. Sheer ecstasy.

And those days when he looks deep into my eyes while telling me about the new dates for Tracy Byrd and Lil’ Romeo are days filled with passion and desire. He lights my fire with the schedule for the Honky Tonk Tailgate Party, he brings me to the brink with the dates for Hank III and Blake Shelton and he sends me over the edge with the additional shows for Wayne Toups. My body trembles just thinking about it. Mercy!

Sure, I’ve had others. Artist managers, booking agents for Arlo Guthrie and Wild Horses, promoters who’ve done shows with India.Arie, but none of them can compare with my Pollstar.com lover and his oh-so-long schedule for Neil Diamond. He’s the only one who can truly satisfy me, for he routes me like no other. His love is like an Incubus tour bus barreling down the freeway at 100 miles per hour, and I’m the one who gets to honk the horn.

Will my love last? He is definitely a man who knows how to treat a woman. He knows what I like and he’s not afraid to give it to me, whether it’s a new tour for Manhattan Transfer or just a few new dates for Dwight Yoakam and Mary Prankster. Yes, as long as the tide crashes against the beach, as long as the sun continues to shine, as long as the moon floats through the night’s sky, he and I will be as one, and we will entwine our bodies and souls together and shout out the dates for GWAR with every sensuous gasp of our hearts. Our love is eternal and it will last as long as there are Ticketmaster outlets in key markets and $20 dollar parking fees at major arenas.

Unless, of course, I don’t get reelected to the Senate. Then I’ll have to go back to New York and Slick W… er, I mean, Bill.