Ladies, I am the man you’ve been looking for.
What sets me aside from all the other men, you ask? It’s simple. I’m probably the only man you’ll ever meet that isn’t afraid of commitment. For example, I was a devoted husband for over 30 years. That is, until my blind-since-childhood wife underwent a miraculous cure and regained her sight while at one of those Prince after-show jams, realized just how butt-ugly I am and divorced me on the spot, even though I pleaded, implored and even got down on my knees and begged for her to reconsider.
And now, at the grand old age of 51, I find myself looking for another soul mate. However, this time around you’ll be happy to know that I’m not concerned about looks. After all, I’ve got a face that would scare Alice Cooper. No, let the others chase superficialities, like perfect bodies and perfect skin. I’m only looking for two qualities in my future partner-for-life. Number one, she has to love concerts, like Goo Goo Dolls, KORN and Neil Diamond.
Number two, she had to be rich.
I won’t lie to you. I come with thirty years of mental baggage attached. But I have most of my own hair, more than half of my original teeth, and I can still shake it with the best of them when it comes to rockin’ out with The Doobie Brothers and Deep Purple. However, I do suffer from Unconscious Flatuenza, a rare disease of the central nervous system that prevents me from knowing when I’m passing gas. But hey, nobody’s perfect. Right?
How about it? Are you willing to treat me to the life that I would like to become accustomed to? Will you take me to see Coal Chamber and Moby? Of course, I’ll have to run a credit check on you, plus, you’ll have to sign a pre-nup, but you’ll soon learn that it’s all worth while once you hook up with me. Because as long as you keep buying me tickets for shows like Oasis and Wilco, I’ll latch onto you like a tick on a hound.
Commitment. That’s what a relationship is all about. That and money. And tickets for Little Feat, George Strait and Robert Plant. So what do you say? Are you willing to take a chance? Money, concerts and me. Now, that’s a life worth living. It’s like that old song by my main man, Willie Nelson. If you got the money, honey, I’ve got the time!
Serious inquiries only.