To: All Employees

From: Your Employer

Subject: The Future

As you probably already know, we recently lost our latest round of venture capital financing. As a result, we must make drastic changes in our methods of operation if we are to maintain our status as the world’s number one Web site for nuclear waste auctions and business-to-business toxic byproduct management.

Effective immediately: We are ending the practice of providing free samples of our products at concerts by Elvis Costello and Ronnie James Dio. In addition, we are cutting our free deliveries to Biohazard, Queens Of The Stone Age and Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes in exchange for their celebrity endorsements. Research shows that we get more mileage out of a good news story, such as when our tanker ran aground and broke up off the coast of the Galapagos Islands, than having the Red Hot Chili Peppers pitch our stuff during Leno.

We are also curtailing our after-concert parties. I like a good time as well as the next person, but we can no longer afford the soirees after big shows like Cher and Neil Diamond that our company has become known for within the industry. If you’re like me, you probably look forward to rubbing elbows with the major players in concentrated industrial sewage development after seeing Paul Westerberg or John Prine, but as we say in the business, the septic tank has run dry and we must rein in our expenses.

Which brings me to the last item. Sales are down. Hell, they’re virtually nonexistent. We offer the finest sludge, crap and recycled excrement in the business, and you mean to tell me that you can’t sell it? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING, PEOPLE! You’re trading on your status as muck merchants to get comps to Olivia Newton-John or Beck. You’re staying up all night partying with the bands, only to sneak into work as late as 6 or 6:30 the next morning. This has got to stop, or believe you me, HEADS WILL ROLL!

As always, if you wish to discuss this further, my door is always open. However, I will be out of the office starting tomorrow when I take the Lear to Jamaica to meet with Mick to discuss our involvement with The Rolling Stones tour. Then I’ll be flying to London, Paris and Rome to investigate future business opportunities in bile cobranding with AOL International.

Now get out there and sell, or all of you will be dead meat by Friday!

And remember, keep on smiling.