I’m so excited! We’re taking our fight against music piracy to the next level. I can’t tell you what we’re going to do, but I have three words for Mr. Peer-To-Peer Song Trader who steals music from artists like The Rolling Stones and Beck; “Make my day!” Oooh! That smells good! What’s for dinner?

Presenting My Dinner With Hilary. Featuring straightforward conversation with the Recording Industry’s top cop, the RIAA’s very own Hilary Rosen…

We’ve come to the realization that litigation and lawsuits can only do so much. That’s why we’ve enlisted the best programmers in the country to devise a way to attach secret files to MP3s by Robert Plant, Phish and Rush, so that when they’re downloaded and played, a series of subliminal messages will appear on Mr. Pirate’s screen, such as “The Internet is evil,” “Technology is dangerous,” and “Hail the $30 CD.” Hmmmm, this wine is superb! Another glass? Don’t mind if I do.

“I laughed until I cried,” wrote film critic Lars Ulrich. “Hilary’s no-nonsense approach combined with her vivacious appetite and her tales about those who free-ride upon the backs of artists like Santana and Dave Matthews Band is truly remarkable. And that’s just the half of it. Just wait until you hear what she has to say about music pirates.”

Bottom feeding pond scum that would have to look up to kiss a rattlesnake’s navel. But that’s enough about Mr. Fanning. Could you please pass the wine?

More outspoken than Vince Neil’s The Fugitive and more candid than R Kelly’s Adventures In Babysitting, My Dinner With Hilary is a film you’ll want to see again and again…

What’s that delightful little tune you’re humming? Wait a minute, that’s… that’s… that’s the latest by Paul McCartney. What’s that? You heard it on your friend’s stereo? You didn’t even buy the CD and now you have the audacity to hum a perfect copy of the melody in my presence? Didn’t you know that the human ear is the biggest cause of music piracy? Yeah, I know all about personal copies, Mr. Ears. Here! Say hello to Mr. Ice Pick!

If you love little known movies directed by film school dropouts who insist that poor lighting and jerky, hand-held camera shots constitute the best in artistic cinematography, then you’ll love My Dinner With Hilary…

Oh, hell, I spilled the wine. Say, do you have another bottle? Oh, I forgot. You can’t hear a word I’m saying, can you, Mr. Fair Use? Heh, heh, heh.

Check local paper for theatres and showtimes.