I have chosen this avenue of communication because I’m worried that some of you may have mistook our anti-terrorist actions as assaults on your civil liberties. I am here to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.

However, as a nation on the brink of war, we must do everything we can to protect our citizens against terrorism, especially at public events such as concerts. That is why we are issuing an identity card to each and every concert fan. But don’t worry. In no way will this card encroach upon your civil liberties.

Called the Concert Identity Certificate, or CIC for short, not only will this card be a permanent record of all the concerts you’ve ever attended, but also a complete listing of all the Cokes you consumed at shows by The White Stripes, all the burgers you’ve eaten while watching Vince Gill and Macy Gray and every T-shirt you bought while seeing SheDAISY, The String Cheese Incident and Arlo Guthrie. But there’s no need to worry about your privacy. In no way will this card encroach upon your civil liberties.

As a concert fan, you will be required to carry your CIC card at all times whenever you attend a concert, no matter if 50 Cent, Queensryche or Chris LeDoux are the headliners. Furthermore, you will be required to show your CIC card whenever asked to do so by a duly sworn representative of the United States Justice Department. This includes, but is not limited to, ushers, concessionaires, parking attendants, roadies and all members of the NRA. But don’t worry. In no way will this card encroach upon your civil liberties.

As this nation’s top cop, it is my duty to remind you that fighting terrorism is each and every concert fan’s duty. By carrying your CIC card with you while attending shows, such as the upcoming concerts by Annie Lennox or Ozzy Osbourne, and by showing your CIC card whenever asked to do so by one of my minions, you will help protect this country against the likes of nefarious madmen such as Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Tommy Chong.

Remember, you must carry your Concert Identity Certificate while attending all concerts, including Bon Jovi, Tim McGraw and that Justin Timberlake / Christina Aguilera co-headline. Furthermore, you must present this card whenever you wish to use the bathroom at a Ben Folds concert, or purchase a pizza while seeing Dixie Chicks. And finally, let me remind you, that by forcing you to carry this card, in no way do we plan to encroach upon your civil liberties.

But we’re working on it.