“Going over our vacation plans, Horace.”

“Vacation? You mean our plan to see 30 concerts in 60 days? I can hardly wait. This is going to be the best vacation ever!”

“I know, Horace. Now, here’s how it’s shaping up. During the first week we’ll see The Wallflowers, Eels and The Electric Barnyard Tour on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.”

“Sounds good so far. But what about -“

“The laxatives? We’ll take those on Tuesday and Thursday.”

“Hmmm… I’m don’t know, Zelda. I mean, shouldn’t we start off the week with the laxatives? Maybe we should take them Monday, Wednesday and Friday, then see Bob Dylan and Julio Iglesias on Tuesday and Thursday.”

“That may work on paper, Horace, but if we’re going to see 30 shows in 60 days, we’ll have to carefully plan our laxative agenda. That is, if you don’t want a repeat of the summer of ’98 when we followed Ozzfest all summer.”

“And got our laxative schedule confused with the second stage line up schedule? Yeah, that sure was embarrassing. But if we do it your way, Zelda, what if the laxatives wear off before we see, say, Wilco or Travis Tritt on a Wednesday? You know how I hate seeing a show when I feel bloated.”

“That could be a problem. Hmmm… Maybe they’ll sell extra laxatives at the concession stands.”

“Maybe, but you know how it goes. Concert concessions never stock enough laxatives for everybody. They always run out before the support act finishes.”

“I hear you, Horace. Of course, we could try sneaking some in. I could hide them under my blouse when we see Dave Matthews Band or Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Those security guards will never find them there.”

“Unless, of course, they have those laxative-sniffing dogs that we ran into at the Cher concert two years ago. No, Zelda, I believe we’re going to have to re-think this entire laxative / concert schedule if we want this year’s vacation to be a success.”

“Maybe you’re right, Horace. Hey, I got it! What if we split our laxative dosages? We could take half of the dose right before midnight on Monday, Wednesday and Friday -“

“And take the other half right after midnight on Tuesday and Thursday? Yes! That’s it, Zelda! That’s the perfect plan. Furthermore… Furthermore…”

“What’s the matter, Horace? Er… Horace? Where are you going, Horace?”

“Sorry, Zelda. Gotta run.”