“Oh, no! This is terrible!”

“What’s terrible, Horace?”

“This story in the morning paper, Zelda. It says that Michael Jackson is thinking about re-releasing Thriller, and that he might even re-shoot the video to the title track.”

“So? What’s so terrible about that?”

“Thriller is my favorite album of all time, and the video for the song ‘Thriller’ is my favorite video of all time. My whole life is based around that video, what with Michael turning into a werewolf while Vincent Price narrates the story. It’s a classic, a work of art, and you don’t change art.”

“Now, now, Horace. Don’t get your knickers in a bunch.”

“But I bought Thriller back when albums were made of vinyl, like God intended them to be made, and I don’t know what I’ll do if Michael re-shoots the video. Gosh, this is too much stress for me to handle. I wonder if it’s too late to get on Dr. Phil’s show this season.”

“It’s only an album, Horace.”

“It may be only an album to you, Zelda, but if Michael re-releases Thriller, there’s no telling what all the other artists will do. After all, Michael is the King of Pop, and when you’re king, everyone else follows in your moonwalk.”

“Take it easy, Horace. I haven’t seen you this upset since Justin Timberlake broke up with Britney.”

“Well, don’t you get it, Zelda? This changes everything. Suppose Styx decided to re-release Paradise Theatre? Or what if Whitesnake decided to re-shoot the video to “Here I Go Again?”

“You mean, without Tawny Kitaen?”

“Exactly. A pop record, along with the obligatory video, is like a Picasso. Once it’s done, it’s done. It’s a symbol of the era in which it is made. Take those other bands, like Widespread Panic, Guster and Red Hot Chili Peppers. You don’t hear them making noise about re-releasing their albums or re-shooting their videos. Do you?”

“Well…”

“I tell you, Zelda, this whole Thriller thing has gotten me sooo steamed. Someone has got to do something about it. Someone has got to tell Michael Jackson to forget about re-releasing Thriller before he goes and ruins everything that was great about 1983.”

“I’ve got to admit, Horace. Thriller was a fantastic album, what with songs like ‘Billie Jean,’ Pretty Young Thing,’ and ‘Human Nature.'”

“And don’t forget ‘Beat It.'”

“That’s right. I almost forgot that ‘Beat It’ was on Thriller. Now it all makes sense. Sounds like someone wants to jump start his career.”

“Hey, wait a minute, Zelda. Don’t go talking trash about the King of Pop.”

“But I wasn’t talking about Michael Jackson, when I said someone wants to jump start his career.”

“You weren’t?”

“Oh, no. I was talking about Eddie Van Halen.”