And if you’re like most people, you’re asking yourself two questions. Question #1: Why did I eat too much during the weekend? Question #2: What is the path to true happiness?

Of course, we have the answers, for we would hardly be worth our salt as tour date researchers if we didn’t know how to remain slim and trim, while at the same time, enjoy true joy. That’s why we’re going to let you in on a little secret.

Presenting the Pollstar.com Five-Day Plan for weight loss and eternal happiness.

First off, set aside the money you planned on spending for lunch today. While we’re at it, toss in the spare change you usually spend on the vending machines at work as well as those few extra dollars you drop at the bar on tequila shooters at the end of your working day. Instead, spend that money on tickets for Shania Twain, George Strait and Bette Midler. Got that? Good.

Then do the same on Tuesday. However, this time, you’re going to leave the car in the garage and walk to work. That way, the money you save on gas and parking can be spent covering the service charges for Barenaked Ladies and Duran Duran. By the end of the day you’ll have burned off those carbs and have concert tickets in your pocket. Such a deal!

But it’s not over yet, for Wednesdays are always the toughest day of the week. But we think you can handle it. You’ll start by skipping your morning coffee. That’s right. You’ll take the Starbucks money, add it to the cash you’ll save by walking to work, passing up lunch and foregoing the Jose Cuervo, and sink that moola into tickets for the Eagles, Chris Rock and Michelle Branch. Sure, you may get the shakes, but you’ll agree it’s worth it when you step on the ol’ bathroom scale.

Thursday is a piece of cake. But not for you. No cake, donuts, Twinkies, or cupcakes. By now you should only be drinking water. But not that store-bought, fancy-pants water. No, sir. Only free water will do, whether it’s from the tap, the bowl, or a puddle in the gutter. Trust us, between the exercise and mutant strains of bacteria accumulating in your body, the pounds will away faster than California can recall its governor. But don’t forget to buy those concert tickets after work. Lessee, ducats for Jann Arden and Ben Harper should do it.

You should definitely be in on the way to a new you by Friday. You’ll have dropped at least twenty, maybe thirty pounds by skipping snacks, meals, nutrition and driving. Yeah, you’ll feel great. Your friends will demand your secret, and that cute coworker in the next cubicle will ask you what you’re doing that night. But it’s not over yet. Don’t forget, you still have to buy tickets for Fleetwood Mac and Eric Idle in order to complete the Pollstar.com Five-Day Plan for weight loss and eternal happiness.

What’s that you say? You understand about the weight loss, but you want to know how one can be happy after spending a week subsisting on nothing but water, dysentery and concert tickets? It’s easy. That is, as long as you complete this one, final step.

Come Saturday morning, take all those concert tickets, including any extras you might have purchased for Bryan Adams or Staind, drop them into a FedEx envelope and overnight the package to us. That way, you’ll lose weight and we’ll be happy.

And from where we sit, it doesn’t get any better than that.