We’ve read your emails and we’ve listened to your complaints. You want an easier way to access the Alabama dates on our Website. You want mobility in reading the listing for David Grisman Quintet. You want 24/7 access to the itineraries for Shania Twain, Evanescence and Frank Black & The Catholics. What’s more, you want to do all this without having to mess with a bulky computer.

Presenting the Pollstar.com microchip. We’ve hooked up with one of the major computer chip manufacturers to create a chip that will allow you to jack yourself directly into the Pollstar.com database. A chip so small, yet so powerful, you’ll be able to browse the dates for Barenaked Ladies and Indigo Girls without having to use a computer.

Inserted directly into the brain, this grain of rice size microchip is perfect for those who need their Michelle Branch dates but never got the hang of point and click technology. What’s more, the Pollstar.com microchip is 100 percent wireless, meaning you can look at dates for Simon & Garfunkel or Less Than Jake no matter where you are or what you’re doing, making it the perfect gift for prison inmates, captured Al-Qaeda members and Arthur Andersen accountants.

But wait, there’s more.

We realize that having tour dates for artists like Bette Midler and Hilary Duff flooding directly into your brain can be a bit unnerving. After all, when you’re viewing thousands upon thousands of concert listings, it’s quite easy to get lost in a sea of cognitive dissonance in trying to decide which shows to see. That’s why each and every Pollstar.com microchip is patched directly into our top secret control center located miles underneath the earth’s surface in downtown Fresno, California.

Can’t decide between Jewel and Andrew W.K.? No sweat! In fact, with the Pollstar.com microchip calling the shots, we’ll make all those important decisions for you, such as marriage, divorce and Seal tickets, leaving you plenty of extra time to check out the latest listings for blink-182 and The Big Wu.

You’ll find that life is easier once you have a Pollstar.com microchip planted firmly in your frontal lobe. Plus every one of our simple installation kits comes complete with microchip, ball pein hammer and an “Intel Inside” sticker for your forehead. Just stick the chip up your nose, give it a couple of whacks and you’ll instantly be enjoying the latest dates for George Strait, Martin Sexton and Big Head Todd & The Monsters.

Remember, ask for it by name. The Pollstar.com microchip. Ten-inch stainless steel removal tongs sold separately. From your friends at Pollstar.com!