It figures. You line up an exclusive interview and something always goes wrong. Like when our interview with Nickelback was interrupted by a herd of rabid Chihuahuas stampeding our facilities. Or that time when Celine Dion came by to demonstrate her kickboxing prowess the day after a full moon while our lycanthropy was still flaring up. Then there was the time the industrial-strength deep fryer in the kitchen blew up during that jam band gathering, scattering Phish and chips over the entire compound. Problems? Yeah, we’ve faced a few, but none of them compare to what we see right now as we stare into the mirror.

That’s right. We have a zit on the end of our nose.

And what a monster zit it is! In fact, we had to refocus our eyes just to look around it while we were entering the dates for Eric Clapton. Plus, it has grown so large that we’ve had to strap ourselves into the chair to keep from tipping over while inspecting the latest changes for Arlo Guthrie and David Bowie. Make no mistake about it, no one has ever seen a zit this big. Big, red, pulsating: it’s the mother of all zits.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that there should be plenty of zit experts in the concert industry. After all, what do the pros do when Yanni gets a zit right before show time? Or Mariah Carey? Or Ozzy Osbourne? What do they do when a sudden blemish ruins one of their perfect faces? Sure, we thought of contacting their people, but not one of them could spare their zit-removal specialists. Besides, there’s no way the equipment could be diverted to Fresno, for the special, hydraulic zit machinery takes up two entire semis. Gosh, this is worse than that goiter we had last summer.

Oh, oh. Now the zit on the end of our nose has gotten bigger. It’s grown veins along the sides and a single, solitary hair has sprouted on top. And even though we’ve spent weeks planning this day, it looks as if we’re going to have to postpone the interview. Damn, and to think how long it took to set everything up. Phone calls, faxes, emails, instant-messaging, screams and shouts, yeah, this was going to be the biggest interview with the biggest star that we’ve ever done. It was going to bigger than our Cher interview, better than our Bette Midler profile and badder than our behind-the-scenes look at the Bryan Adams vs Ryan Adams controversy, but now we’re going to have to cancel everything because of a gargantuan zit on the end of our nose. Oh, well, guess we better call the star and tell him it’s a no-go. We just can’t let the biggest name in music see us like this.

After all, we don’t want Michael Jackson to think we’re some kind of a freak.