But not just any restroom. I don’t care about restaurant restrooms, bus stop restrooms or gas station restrooms. No, sir. Only a special restroom will do.

That’s right. I love concert venue restrooms.

I don’t know what it is about concert venue restrooms, but when I’m at a show, say Gov’t Mule or George Benson, and I start thinking about all that porcelain, the fresh smell of disinfectant and those wonderful cakes floating sunny side up, that’s when I find myself pushing through the audience and heading towards that magical sign that beckons “MEN.”

And I’ve seen all the restrooms. I’ve plunged into the bowels of The Forum in Los Angeles in order to partake in the pause that refreshes. I’ve taken many a leak during Linkin Park shows at the Air Canada Centre, and I’ve always given back the beer while seeing Sting at London’s Royal Albert Hall. Yeah, concert venue restrooms are sooo kooooool.

You know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to remodel all my bathrooms and turn them into exact replicas of my favorite concert venue restrooms. I’ll stock them with the same great toilet paper used at Anaheim’s Arrowhead Pond. I’ll use the same fantastic soap dispensers as New Jersey’s Continental Airlines Arena. I’ll even fill the bowls with the same incredible water that tinkles through the pipes at Louisville’s Freedom Hall. Yeah, turning my own bathrooms into concert venue bathrooms will be my number one priority for 2004. Or maybe number two. I guess it all depends on the mood.

In fact, just thinking about it makes me very excited. When I imagine my bathrooms looking just like the concert venue restrooms where I’ve seen Motorhead or The Crystal Method, my pulse quickens, my heart shifts into overdrive and I feel so warm inside that my face turns several shades of red. Yeah, just thinking about having my own, personal concert venue restroom in my own home makes me feel all warm and giddy inside.

In fact, you could say that thinking about having my own concert venue restroom always makes me feel a bit flushed.