It’s called Middle Town. Not quite a small town, yet not quite big enough to be considered a major market, Middle Town is a town that has to make-do with the leftover concert dates that the big cities don’t need.

You see, large markets attract big concerts. Sting, Shania Twain, Fritz’s Polka Band – they always play the big cities. However, when an artist or a band has one date open on their agenda, and they’ve already filled up all the available playdates in the major markets, that’s when the promoters turn to Middle Town, and feed the entertainment-starved denizens thereof an extra show for David Bowie or Elvis Costello.

Which didn’t sit too well with Jack.

Who was Jack? Jack was just an average guy in Middle Town who grew sick of his community having to accept whatever the large markets handed to it. Sure, he loved all the shows that came to Middle Town. He was front-row, center for Puddle Of Mudd, he bought tickets for Joan Of Arc and Hothouse Flowers, and he proudly flicked his Bic as he applauded the best efforts of David Dondero, Ronnie Milsap and Lydia Lunch. However, Jack wanted Middle Town to be more than just a dumping ground for extra dates from major concert tours. He wanted Middle Town to be a major player in its own right. He wanted Middle Town to become Big Town.

“You must talk to the Giant,” Jack’s mother told him as she repeated the legend that had been passed down from middle-buyer to middle-buyer. “You must climb the corporate beanstalk that reaches to the heavens, and you must talk to the Giant Promoter who lives at its summit. For only he can give Middle Town first dibs on dates for Sarah McLachlan and Neil Young.”

So Jack climbed the corporate beanstalk. He climbed up past all the other middle-market branches such as Omaha, Reno and Fresno, until he came to the Giant Promoter’s lair. And after his long, strenuous climb to the top, he stood facing the Giant Promoter.

But the Giant Promoter looked down at Jack and sneered…

Fe Fi Fo Fum

You’re just another Middle Town bum

Yes, I can give you dates

The big names they will come

But first you must find them

Else I’ll squash you with my thumb

A challenge! And Jack loved challenges. He raced through the Giant Promoter’s palace, looking for dates for all the big names, like Metallica and the No Doubt / blink-182 co-headline. Furthermore, Jack was amazed at all the fine art that adorned the Giant Promoter’s home. A Michelangelo hung from the Giant Promoter’s kitchen sink, a Renoir covered the Giant Promoter’s wet bar, and a Picasso was tacked to the Giant’s refrigerator. Jack was amazed at the Giant Promoter’s art collection, but he could not afford to waste time looking at the Rembrandt decorating the Giant Promoter’s coffee table, nor could he spare a moment appreciating the Gainsborough that decorated the Giant Promoter’s giant catbox. He needed to find the Giant Promoter’s dates, like major market engagements for Alan Jackson and Toby Keith, not fawn over paintings by the masters.

And Jack’s time was running out.

True to his word, the Giant Promoter grabbed Jack and proceeded to press his enormous thumb down on the poor boy. But the Giant Promoter had been snacking on some concert concession food left over from the last Vans Warped Tour, and sure enough, all that oil and grease resulted in Jack shooting from the Giant’s slippery fingers and into the bathroom.

Where Jack smashed headfirst into the Giant’s porcelain throne sporting the greatest painting in all of history – Leonardo’s Mona Lisa. The bowl fractured, the tank crumbled, and a long, narrow splinter appeared from the lady’s mysterious smile to her chin, causing the toilet to split in half.

And out through that fracture poured all the Giant Promoter’s major market concert dates. There were multiple dates for Kid Rock, big city dates for Rod Stewart, and anchor-market dates for Eric Clapton and Counting Crows. Before the Giant Promoter could grab him, Jack gathered up all the dates, and slid down the corporate beanstalk back to Middle Town, where the townspeople rejoiced and hailed him a hero.

They don’t call it Middle Town anymore. Thanks to Jack, they now call it Big Town, for they now have major market shows like Beyonce and John Mayer to entertain them each and every night. And as they sit in their skyboxes in the Big Town Sports Arena, they make it a point to remember that brave boy who climbed up the corporate beanstalk and unleashed the major market dates for all the big artists, like Britney Spears and Elton John.

And when they do, they commemorate Jack. In fact, at the end of every big show, like Duran Duran or Kenny Chesney, the townspeople will lift their Bics into the air in a butane tribute to Jack, the man who broke through the Giant Promoter’s Mona Lisa-adorned porcelain throne and brought major-market talent to the fine men and women of Middle Town.

And if you listen closely, you will hear them say, “Here’s to Jack! Here’s to the man who defeated the giant! Here’s to the man who cracked the DaVinci Commode!”