My hair started falling out when I was 20. That was back in the day when I was working in a service charge factory, slapping additional costs on tickets for Madonna and Tim McGraw. Of course, back then we didn’t know about the dangers of excessive fee exposure, but after a couple of years spent working next to the ticket reactor, my hair started falling out in nasty clumps. It was a classic case of hair today, gone tomorrow. I didn’t know what to do.

Then a friend at a social club I belong to suggested getting a toupee. I have to admit, I wasn’t too crazy about the idea at first. After all, everybody at the club knew I had lost my hair. I mean, who was I fooling? Boy, was I wrong.

The first time I wore my hairpiece in public was when my group held our annual spring concert season ceremony. That’s when we gather in the forest, bang on drums and chant the spring tour dates. The Moody Blues, Denver, May 25 – THUMP! Tea Leaf Green, Atlanta, May 5 – THUMP!

I’m telling you, I couldn’t believe the response. All the men in my group looked at my new hairpiece with envy. And the ladies! Sheila asked me out to see Saxon, Rosalyn wanted me to take her to Eric Johnson and Urge Overkill, and Rita offered to buy me an airline ticket to see Rock In Rio – Lisbon. And it was all due to my new hair.

Keeping in mind that one cannot have too much of a good thing, I went out and bought a bigger hairpiece, and soon, all the ladies in my social club couldn’t keep their hands off of me. Like Shelly, who couldn’t resist running her fingers through my hair while a “Weird Al” Yankovic tribute band played our weekend barbecue. Or Candy, who loved to braid and brush my hair while listening to my Sting CDs. Yup. The more the hairier, that’s what I always say.

So now I’m thinking of getting more hairpieces. Maybe a kind of a ’70s retro shag for when Aerosmith comes to town, or perhaps a simple crewcut for next month’s Toby Keith show. I’m telling you, the sky’s the limit. I’ll have long hair for the Eagles and The Dead, an ’80s perm for Duran Duran, and perhaps some really big hair for Shania Twain. Yeah, buying that toupee really jumpstarted my life. Made a new man out of me. Plus, I’m the hit of my social club.

In fact, I love my new hair so much, I’m thinking of buying a special hairpiece. You know, one that I can wear on my head. I just hope that the folks at my social club don’t think it’s a bit too much. After all, nudists can be sooo snippy.