Tours de Farce: Strange Daze
And were’ still trying to figure out how things turned out the way they did on Friday. We’ve covered all the bases and we’ve left no stone unturned, but we’ll be damned if we can connect all the dots and wrap up everything that happened on Friday into one tidy package.
Last week started with the unveiling of the Madonna tour. Sure, there were other tours last week – the Chicago / Earth, Wind & Fire co-headline, as well as Dionne Warwick’s European run, but Ms. Ciccone’s new tour schedule was the news of the day.
Which is probably why no one paid any attention to the laboratory explosion in the pork factory next door to our compound, which revealed that the Canadian government had covertly commissioned the factory to secretly develop a new bacon delivery system. Evidently the plan called for genetically altering a hog’s DNA structure to allow for new transportation opportunities, thereby enabling bacon to deliver itself straight to consumers, while at the same time, eliminate those air-polluting pork delivery trucks.
Of course, even though this went down right next door to us, we were way too busy handling dates for Bo Diddley and Bob Dylan, and we never noticed the helium-breathing hogs tethered to the fire hydrants in our neighbor’s parking lot.
But that’s not all we didn’t notice. We also didn’t notice the earthquake that hit this area last Wednesday, even though the epicenter was located on the grounds on other side of our compound, smack dab in the middle of the Concert Freeze cryogenic company, the outfit that freezes concert fans, and then revives them if their favorite bands, like Pink Floyd or New Kids On The Block, ever decide to reunite and tour.
However, we weren’t too busy processing itins for Graham Parker and David Byrne that we didn’t notice the gaping, fire-&-brimstone belching hole in our neighbor’s front lawn, as well as the various demons and evil spirits flying out of the newly-opened pit. After all, it’s hard to miss something like that.
But miss it we did. At least, until Friday, when we no longer could ignore the floating porkers to the right of us, or the ever-widening hole to Hades on the left of us. In fact, in between processing schedules for The Moody Blues and Peter, Paul & Mary, we spent most of Friday watching the folks from the EPA pour Concert Freeze’s remaining liquid hydrogen into the pit, thereby sealing the gateway to the netherworld. That is, when we weren’t watching the helium-filled hogs float off over the horizon after a clumsy EPA worker backed a truck into a utility pole, thereby causing a power failure at the pork factory, which in turn released the lighter-than air porkers from their moorings. Yeah, Friday was a day we’ll never forget.
The day that pigs flew, Hell froze over and Van Halen reunited with Sammy Hagar. Gee, do you think there’s a connection?