I don’t like it. Never did, never will. I don’t like the way it runs. I don’t like what it does to my clothes. I don’t like raindrops falling on my head, nor do I like the way rivers run through. Nope, don’t like water. It’s all so… Wet.

Maybe that’s why I love concerts so much. They take my mind off of water. I see a show like The Fixx or Ladysmith Black Mambazo and I forget how much water there is in the world, and how all that H2O would love to pour itself all over me. Cold, warm, frozen, or steaming, water can’t touch me when I’m at a show.

However, there are some people who don’t understand me. They don’t comprehend how much I hate water. “Just try it,” they say. “Go ahead. Everybody’s doing it.” Yeah, right. And if everybody let Billy Joel drive their cars, am I supposed to get in line to hand the Piano Man my keys? Magic Marker my words and hang them on the wall. Water sucks.

But lately I’ve been having trouble getting into shows. It seems like all the big bands and artists don’t want to play for someone like me. They don’t want to see a dry guy like myself rockin’ out during their shows. Ocean Colour Scene kicked me out of their concert, Hot Water Music said I was a freak of nature and Robert Bradley told the ticket takers to watch out for my face. Said he didn’t like “surprises.”

No matter. If I can’t get into concerts, like next week’s show with Eddy “The Chief” Clearwater, or Creedence Clearwater Revisited, I’ll just start my own band. Yes! That’s the ticket. It will be a jam band, and we’ll play jammin’ songs by moe., Little Feat and the Dave Matthews Band. We’ll play out in the desert where nary a drop of water can be found. We’ll be spry, wry, jammin’ good guys, and anybody that even hints that they’re carrying any type of liquid will be left out to dry.

Of course, I’m gonna need a name for my band. Hmmm… How’s “Phish out of water” sound?