In this first picture, taken 18 months ago, we see Jim standing in a restroom smoking a cigarette. As you know, the beginning of the treatment is the toughest, and Jim was no exception. But after a steady five-show-a-week schedule, including tickets for Andrew W.K., Kenny Loggins and Hanson, we managed to break his three-pack-a-day habit. Of course, that was only the beginning.

This next picture shows Jim staggering into the restroom at the House Of Blues in West Hollywood. Jim was drinking quite a bit at that time, but after we lined him up with front row tickets for Jimmy Buffett, KISS and Eric Clapton, Jim turned his back on demon rum and has been on the wagon ever since. Unfortunately, this was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Here you see Jim passed out on the floor of a restroom in the Denny’s located down the street from Madison Square Garden. Hooked on the most addictive substance in the entire world – the infamous dried droppings of a yak dung beetle that has spent the last 25 years fermenting in the hot South American sun, we thought Jim had reached the end of his rope. However, that just goes to show that you should never underestimate the power of concerts. It wasn’t easy, but after a prolonged treatment of the three Ps – Prince, Pixies and Phish, Jim got that nasty dung beetle off of his back for good.

We’ve made some great advances in the world of concert ticket medicine. We’ve treated painkiller addicts with Van Halen tickets, and we’ve had success treating chronic flatulence sniffers with tickets for Josh Kelley and Hank III. Which brings us to this last picture. Here you see all of our patients posing for a group shot taken at Anaheim’s Arrowhead Pond. And if you look closely you’ll see a very familiar face. That’s right, third from the left, standing directly under the MEN sign is Jim, our most difficult patient.

But not only was Jim our most difficult patient, but he was also our only failure. Even though we managed to successfully treat Jim for smoking, drinking and dung beetle abuse, we still weren’t able to cure him of the one addiction that has plagued poor Jim for decades.

That’s right. We couldn’t cure Jim of his addiction for hanging around public restrooms. Oh, well, nobody bats a thousand.