We were updating the schedule for Rickie Lee Jones and slamming the new dates for UFO and Rich Robinson into our system when the news hit us like Elton John’s signature roundhouse punch to the midsection. Needless to say, everyone here at Pollstar.com is a Jennifer fan. Heck, hardly a day goes by when one of our coworkers isn’t singing a Lopez ditty or quoting dialogue from her many, memorable movies. “Gobble, gobble,” anyone?
But after we got over the shock and astonishment brought about by the surprising J-Lo / Tony nuptials, we set about to do the right thing – selecting the perfect gift for the perfect show-biz couple.
Of course, concert tickets immediately came to mind. However, we couldn’t decide which shows would be appropriate for the new Mrs. and Mr. Lopez. Our sales manager wanted to give them a pair of tickets for Sting, our data entry chief wanted everyone to chip in and buy the newlyweds tickets for Cher and Metallica, and our Canadian interpreter wanted everyone to spring for a pair of tickets for that Alanis Morissette / Barenaked Ladies co-headline. So, as you can plainly see, we had some issues to resolve.
Alas. Not only did the surprise wedding catch us with our proverbial pants down, but it also took place between paydays. Plus, not only did the recent onsales for Van Halen, Aerosmith and Norah Jones, drain our ticket budget, but it also made us persona non-gratis down at the local payday loan joint. In other words, while our hearts were definitely in the right place, our wallets were in ICU and there wasn’t a defibrillator in sight.
What to do? Being the show biz insiders that we are, we couldn’t ignore Jennifer’s wedding. On the other hand, since we were suffering from a temporary absence of funds, we didn’t want to give J-Lo and her blushing groom something cheap and tawdry. We were frantic.
That is, until our chief of NASCAR Research, Billy Bob Horowitz, suggested that we just give Jennifer and what’s-his-name the gift we had picked out for another wedding, a wedding that was eventually cancelled. So we went down to the basement, knocked on the door belonging to our VP of Celebrity Swag, and returned with a crystal tea set, upon which, were engraved the dates for Hoobastank, blink-182 and D12. The perfect gift for a perfect bride. And groom, too, we suppose. Except for one thing.
We still haven’t figured out how to alter the engraved inscription, which reads “Congratulations Jennifer & Ben.” Oh, well, it’s the thought that counts.