That’s how much we’ve been fined – $27,500 for each of our 20 owned and operated affiliated tour date Web sites for showing concert schedules prepared by the Pollstar.com operator who was responsible for that distasteful “wardrobe malfunction” that occurred on the Net last winter. Or at least, we think it totals $550,000. We were never all that good at math, so we’re taking the government’s word for the final total. After all, if you can’t trust the government…

Wardrobe malfunctions are serious business, for America must be protected from concert calendars, such as the new dates for theSTART or the short list of rare public performances by Tom Waits, that might be prepared by operators with various, unclothed body extremities that are considered by the public to be so lewd, nude or obscene that we can’t even mention which parts we are referring to on a family concert information site such as this one. After all, if you can’t trust the public…

And no, we’re not contesting the fine. Certain private parts are not meant to be seen by the public, such as the naughty bit one operator exposed while processing dates for Nickel Creek and Metal Church. And we have it on good authority from certain moralistic watchdog organizations that most, if not all of our data processors are in possession of such personal body parts that might shock, alarm, or otherwise frighten certain members of our audience if our operators were to expose them, either accidentally or on purpose, thus leading to the further moral decay of our society. After all, if you can’t trust certain moralistic watchdog organizations…

So we’ve taken the steps to stay abreast of all such potential problems, both real and imaginary. That’s why we’ve decided to nip further potential incidents in the bud by hanging photographic examples of all such offensive body parts throughout the Pollstar.com data pits, so that each and every one of our data processors is clear as to which of their body parts may not be displayed at any time while entering dates for acts like Camper Van Beethoven and The Alarm. Furthermore, any public or private display of such body parts will result in immediate termination. After all, if you can’t trust pink slips…

Yes, $550,000 is a lot of money. However, it isn’t so much that we can’t afford to take that final step towards tour date decency. Starting today, we have employed the best TV network censors that money can buy, along with a five second tour-date delay, so that you and your family will not have to worry about the possibility that an obscene appendage, organ, gland or any muscle that’s been known to hustle might inadvertently pop up and show itself while you and yours are viewing schedules for artists with three names like Kenny Wayne Shepherd and Olivia Newton-John or bands with only one name like Discharge, Twiztid and Metallica. Make no mistake about it, our newly hired TV network censors will ensure that the Internet will remain the bastion of decency, morality and righteous modesty that it was before our operator experienced the notorious wardrobe malfunction of last winter. In short, you can count on TV network censors to protect you from everything you shouldn’t see.

After all, if you can’t trust someone from CBS…