That’s the collective opinions of various local governments that have taken it upon themselves to ban certain tour itineraries, saying that the assembled list of dates, cities and venues presented in a chronological order present ideas that may be harmful to the local populace, endanger children and promote the spread of communism. For example, counties in southern Mississippi have constantly banned Bob Dylan routings since 1964, while sections of Boston, St. Louis and Detroit have either censored or limited the viewing of dates for GWAR, The Offspring and the Scorpions, citing a need to protect the community from “what it wants to see.”

“Let’s get this straight. Radical, un-American, extreme left-wing groups such as the ACLU, the R.E.M. and the KMFDM want nothing better than your children reading the latest routings for Metallica or Beastie Boys,” says William Bennett, author of the best seller, Satan Wants Your Kid To Read The Marilyn Manson Schedule, And Other Liberal Conspiracies. “Of course, they won’t tell you that each date on the itinerary drips with sex, violence and other un-American thoughts guaranteed to corrupt their little minds, thus promoting a secret, metrosexual agenda for our youth. It’s disgusting! It’s unpatriotic! It’s EVIL!”

To be sure, many communities have taken Mr. Bennett’s writings to heart, and have banned several concert schedules during the past few years. Des Moines, Iowa, recently removed copies of the MTV2 Headbangers Ball from school libraries, citing hidden messages promoting rebellion against society are secretly imbedded in the Texas play dates as proof positive that corruption, deceit and seditious thought run rampant through the schedule. Meanwhile, authorities in Fresno, California, cite the routing for Helmet as a direct cause for that city’s increase in incidents of littering, obesity and publicly questioning the local college football team’s chances of winning the championship as yet another sign of the moral decay inspired by tour schedules. Then there’s incidents of itinerary-burning – bonfires set up by local school boards to torch schedules for Julio Iglesias, W.A.S.P. and Yanni – in all-American cities such as Twin Peaks, Washington, and Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, which was recently covered on TV news programs such as 60 Minutes and Dateline.

But are some tour itineraries too dangerous for public consumption? Does the schedule for Sevendust promote debauchery and civil disobedience among the youth of today, or is it just a list of dates and cities? Is the list of dates for the politically motivated Vote For Change tour a roadmap for overthrowing the current administration, or is it merely a list of events featuring performers with too much time on their hands? While many educators, child psychologists and left-wing leaning celebrities claim that any tour schedule, no matter if it’s for Clint Black, Cypress Hill or Gomez, is merely a timetable meant to indicate a band or artist’s future plans, Mr. Bennett begs to differ.

Anyone who doubts my word is a low-life, blood-sucking liberal pansy ass,” says Mr. Bennett, as he prepares to launch a book tour for his latest tome, Liberal Pansy Asses Are Blood-Sucking Low Lifers. “The left-wing conspiracy starts with innocent-looking tour schedules, like the routings for Erasure, The Faint and Dolly Parton. However, I know what’s best for America’s youth, and these, schedules secretly promote promiscuous sex, gun control and band evolution that will, if left unchecked, lead to the total breakdown of morality in America.”

What’s that? Band evolution is responsible for the moral degradation of society?

“I am not jesting and don’t call me Shirley,” answers Mr. Bennett. “Even as I speak, the left-wing conspirators are discounting the solid evidence that divine intervention is solely responsible for band creation, and instead are telling school children that Mother Love Bone beget Pearl Jam, and that Uncle Tupelo gave rise to Wilco. If such paganism is allowed to take hold in our public school system, it will lead to the end of America as we know it. And you can quote me on that. In fact, you can bet on it!”