Here’s the scoop: A major tour date manufacturer located in England was recently shut down by the British government for producing contaminated tour dates, resulting in 2.5 billion fewer tour dates than what are normally available at this time of year. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to worry.
However, that does mean certain steps must be taken in order to assure that those desperately in need of tour dates, such as 3 Inches Of Blood playing in Indianapolis on November 10, receive what’s coming to them. Therefore, priorities need to be re-prioritized and distribution orders must be redistributed. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to worry.
Let’s look at the facts. Over 225 million Americans require tour dates. However, due to the totally inept actions of the tour date plant in England, only 1.2 million Americans will receive the much-needed tour dates, like the ones contained in the schedules for Joseph Arthur, Beastie Boys and Kings X, in time to head off the plague that can only be avoided by everyone consuming generous amounts of concert data. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to worry.
Furthermore, if the plague does happen (current estimates point to a 99.999 percent chance of probability), the first signs of such a plague will be death, followed by millions of brain-eating zombies rising from their graves and terrorizing the living for whatever tour dates remain, such as the new dates for SeepeopleS or the dates contained within the revised schedules for Most Precious Blood and Matt Mays & El Torpedo. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to worry.
However, if the dead do rise from their graves, thereby resulting in millions of brain-eating zombies roaming cities, farms and fields in their never-ending search for brains and Yanni dates, humanity’s remaining survivors will be given plenty of guns, ammo and explosives to ward off the persistent attacks from the un-dead. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to worry.
What’s more, none of this will cost anyone a single cent. In case those zombies strip the survivors of whatever dates for Magnetic Fields, The Black Keys and The Vandals that they may still have, while all the time munching on the survivors’ noggin squashes like so many seedless watermelons, there is still no need to worry. That’s because the entire cost of retaliating against the zombies, including the cost of guns, ammunition and small, limited, nuclear devices, will be shouldered by Uncle Sam.
In short, when it comes to brain-eating zombies, the government will protect you.
Now you can start worrying.