“What? Two minutes? That’s impossible! How can I possibly gather my wits and be ready to give the performance my public deserves in only two minutes? I need to meditate, medicate, practice yoga, and do something to get my head together before the red light goes on and I’m live on the air. I mean, what about me? What about my plans? What about the tours?”
One minute, thirty seconds to airtime!
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not fighting off the purple snakes coming out of the speakers while trying to figure out how to get tickets for Motley Crue. And what about food? I’m gonna need some nourishment if I’m going to see Bryan Adams, American Head Charge and Sugarcult. Gonna need some high-octane fuel, for sure. Maybe burgers deep-fried in lard and sprinkled with sugar. Oh, oh, here come those snakes again! Better duck!”
One minute to airtime!
“And what about the voices in my head screaming out for Tears For Fears, Geri Halliwell and Sting? I mean, I’ve tried to ignore them, but they keep egging me on, urging me to buy tickets for Sister Hazel and figure out a way to get backstage for Violent Femmes. They’re whispering to me right now, telling me I should chuck all of this and just go out and follow Bright Eyes from city to city. They’re getting louder, more demanding, I don’t know how much more I can take and… and…”
Thirty seconds to airtime.
“Shut up, already! Sheesh. It doesn’t matter if it’s thirty seconds, thirty hours or thirty years. I’ve got to figure this out. How can I see Duran Duran in Houston if Herbie Hancock is playing the same night in Boston? Oh, why does my life have to be so complicated? And what’s up with those gophers that live in my toilet and amuse themselves by jumping through the hole in the seat? Uh???”
Fifteen seconds to airtime!
“Oh, the pain! The agony! I shouldn’t have to put up with all of this suffering. I’ve got to get a hold of myself and figure out which shows I’m going to see. There’s gotta be a logical way to do this, but Yanni is crying out. He’s saying, ‘See me. Buy tickets for me.’ I’m telling you, I can’t take this much longer. Now I know how Robert Blake feels.”
Ten, nine, eight…
“I WANT MY MOMMY!”
“Grrr… Grrrr… Greee…”
One. It’s showtime!
“Greetings fellow Americans. With one half of my brain tied behind my back and talent on loan from God, this is Rush….”