I should probably start right off by saying that the so-called “elite” of the concert industry doesn’t like me. Never did, never will. Why? That’s just the way I am. As I detailed in my latest book, I always tell the truth about Nancy Sinatra and Michael Bolton. No enhancements. No sugar coating. But most of all, NO SPIN!

That’s right! It’s television’s vacuous varlet of verbose verbiage, Bill O’Reilly, and he’s looking out for you as he tackles the big touring issues of today…

People come up to me all the time and say, “Bill? When are you going to give us the lowdown on concert tickets?” And do you know what I say to them? I tell them, as I mention in my latest book, that ticket sellers don’t like me, and that they’re always sticking me in the back row for U2 and REO Speedwagon.

Love him or hate him, Bill always has something to say…

And those ushers don’t like me either. In my latest book I describe how they always spit in my chair before I sit down for a night’s entertainment by Judas Priest or George Thorogood & The Destroyers. Ooooh, those ushers. They all hate me.

What’s more, each night Bill will play host to celebrity guests from today’s concert scene…

I invited Cher and Neil Diamond to appear on my show, but they said they had other commitments. Yeah, right. I know why they both declined my invitations. They all hate me. It’s just as I described in my latest book, in the chapter titled “Elton John Wants To Punch My Lights Out,” they all hate me for what I stand for. Which is why I always end up with lousy, obstructed-view seats for their hippie-infested concerts.

Whether he’s talking about the routings for Umphrey’s McGee and Slipknot, or describing the logistics of the Dave Matthews Band itinerary, Bill O’Reilly never fails to say what’s on his mind…

And let me tell you something about service charges. Those of you who read my latest book know what I’m talking about. How ticket clerks always puts their thumbs on the scale when ringing up my order for Keith Urban tickets and end up charging me double what they charge their liberal customers. That’s because they hate me. They really, really, really hate me.

Be sure to join us every night for the best show on the Web…

They hate my face. They hate my clothes. They even hate my books!

You’ll never know what Bill O’Reilly is going to say next…

Hey, you! What are you looking at? I can tell by the look on your face that you hate me. You and everyone else who didn’t buy my book.

Only on Pollstar.com!

Oh, did I tell you about my book? Eh, what’s the use? You’d probably hate it.