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Tours de Farce: Puttin’ On The Dog
While most shows prohibit our four-legged buddies, the latest news from those who study canine behavior indicate that Rover and his ilk not only love performances, but that they actually have a preference over which acts they would like to see.
According to a recent report from the Benji Institute For Higher Learning, a government funded think tank dedicated to studying the relationship between man and beast, most dogs, if given the choice, would pass on their favorite soup bone in favor of a night out seeing 3 Doors Down or Delbert McClinton.
“We’re discovering that dogs have excellent taste for concerts,” says Dr. Timothy “Timmy” Martin, whose book, Lassie Won’t Come Home Unless You Buy Her Cher Tickets, revolutionized the way science looks at dogs and music. “For example, if given the choice between biting postmen or seeing Kenny Wayne Shepherd or Nancy Sinatra, in two out of three instances most dogs will always pick concerts. That is, unless they’re neutered. Then it’s anybody’s guess.”
For most people the concept of dogs being attracted to live music starts and ends with an old comic strip that featured a beagle sitting on top of a dog house fantasizing that he’s a big time concert producer. However, the image of “Joe Promoter” seems to be closer to reality than most people realize.
“It’s not just any show,” says Dr. Martin. “Through exhaustive research we’ve determined that Dobermans love the Beastie Boys, Afghans crave Celine Dion and Old English Sheepdogs are absolutely wild for Paul McCartney. You just have to recognize the signs.”
The signs? Could it be that man’s best friend has been trying to tell us which bands and artists he wants to see all along, and that we’re just not perceptive to the needs of our furry friends?
“Oh, dogs are easy to understand,” says Dr. Martin. “Scratching behind the ears indicates that the dog wants to see Poi Dog Pondering. Licking itself indicates a strong desire to see Bob Weir & Ratdog and wrapping its front paws around your leg means that Fido wants to see Three Dog Night. Unless, of course, the dog’s religious beliefs prohibits him from seeing musical performances.”
Huh? Religious beliefs? What’s Dr. Martin trying to tell us? That not only are dogs music fans, but that they also have various beliefs in faith and spirituality? Could he be telling us just another shaggy dog story? Or, dare we say, “is the good doctor dogging us?
“I kid you not. All dogs belong to various religious groups that dictate whether or not they may see specific acts, such as Laurie Anderson, Jack Johnson or Sugarcult,” claims Dr. Martin. “I guess you could chalk it up to dogma.”