These are just some of the questions being raised by both experts and the totally clueless as scientists discover children across the globe who have apparently been born with certain remarkable powers. Powers, that some experts claim, might have a direct relationship to the world concert scene.
The first child suspected of being an example of concert industry-influenced evolution is Wilhelm, a German pre-teen living with his parents in Berlin. While the child appears to be just like any other German ten-year-old – he loves girls, beer and a strict, well-defined social order – Wilhelm also possesses the unique capability of connecting any given scheduled performance with a stated date. For example, mention “June 22,” and Wilhelm is most likely to answer with “Oasis, New York,
“Most people can only remember 20, maybe 25 percent of all the concert dates to which they’ve been exposed,” says Dr. Alfred Bellows, whose revolutionary work on gene-splicing symbiosis in the 1970s is credited with making this year’s Queen & Paul Rodgers tour a reality. “However, Wilhelm appears to retain every concert date currently on the books, including support acts, co-headlines and showcase dates. He’s like Einstein, Ayn Rand and Clear Channel all rolled into one!”
To be sure, Wilhelm isn’t the only child possessing unique concert talents. A little Ozark Mountains girl named Sally, who, so far, has accurately predicted box office results for Sting, Elvis Costello and Celine Dion, constantly amazes genetic scientists. Plus, there’s the Cuban refugee, nine-year-old Juan, who can recite concession prices and parking fees for every major venue in North America. However, none of the so-called concert savants compare to the eleven-year-old orphan known simply as Tammy, who lost her parents in the GNR fan riots of 2002.
“Tammy truly is incredible,” says Dr. Bellows. “Mention any show, including Green Day, Death By Stereo or Rufus Wainwright, and she can mentally calculate the ticket service charges and convenience fees for the event without the aid of a computer or any other electronic device. Many of us believe that she is the next step in human evolution.”
Is this the future? Has a world obsessed with keeping track of performance records for bands like Burning Brides and artists like Jack Johnson and Bo Diddley unwittingly spawned a generation of mutant concert professionals? Are there more children like Wilhelm, Sally, Juan and Tammy just waiting to be discovered? Furthermore, how will these concert prodigies react once they discover that they possess powers above and beyond those of mere mortals? Will they choose to use their powers for the benefit of all mankind? Or will they rely on their unique abilities to conquer and rule the human race?
“It’s a brave new world, for sure,” says Dr. Bellows. “However, with great power comes great responsibility. Only time will tell if this marks the end of civilization as we know it, or a great new beginning.”
Coming up later this week: Did radiation leaking from a crashed satellite inadvertently cause several deceased booking agents to rise from the dead and insist on higher performance fees for world music musicians? Be sure to join us later this week for Night Of The Living Dread. Only on Pollstar.com.