“Coming right up, big fellow. But whassup with the high-octane refreshment?”

“It’s my daughter, Joe. I just can’t understand her taste in men.”

“Oh?”

“You should see this guy she’s in love with. A real loser.”

“How so?”

“Well, for starters, he just got out of prison where he did a stretch for swindling roadies out of their money.”

“That’s sooo unfair. Roadies are the most trusting people on earth. I hate it whenever I hear of some lowlifer taking advantage of those innocent roadies. What was the scam?

“He was hitting all the roadie work camps in the valley, trying to sell them fake duct tape. Got five years in the pen for it.”

“Should have been the chair, if you ask me. Your daughter’s boyfriend sounds like bad news. I think you need to have a talk with her.”

“Already did, Joe. In fact, that’s why I’m here. Having that talk with my little girl was the hardest thing in the world.”

“I’ll bet.”

“I mean, how do you tell your own daughter that the love of her life is a total jerk? He has no job, no money, doesn’t bath, and hasn’t brushed his teeth in months. But she doesn’t seem to care. I guess she’s blinded by all those concerts he’s taken her to see. Already this week they’ve seen Motley Crue, Alan Jackson and Indigo Girls.”

“But didn’t you just say the guy’s broke and doesn’t even have a job? How can he afford the tickets?”

“His brother is a big wheel at Clear Channel, so he gets all his tickets for free.”

“Ohhh…”

“In fact, the creep told me that if I let him marry my daughter, he could get me all the free tickets I could ever want.”

“You don’t say.”

“‘Just name the show,’ he said. You want Green Day? You got it. You want U2 tickets? They’re yours. Motorhead, Judas Priest, Bob Dylan, whichever artist or band you wanna see, just let me know and I’ll get you the best seats in the house.”

“Whoa! That’s quite a dilemma. Your daughter’s in love with a total scumbag. But on the other hand, he can get free tickets for every concert in town. I guess you have to make up your mind between your daughter’s welfare and seeing, say, the Eagles or Cher.”

“You ain’t kidding, Joe. I tell the kid to get lost, and I break my daughter’s heart. If I let him stay, I ruin my daughter’s life.”

“But if you let him stay, you’ll get tickets for Jimmy Buffett, Elton John, Oasis -“

“John Fogerty, Slipknot and Neil Diamond. I’m telling you, Joe, that was the toughest decision of my life.”

“I’ll bet. But I’m sure you did the right thing.”

“Well…”

“Let me guess, you gave him the old ‘heave-ho.'”

“Er…”

“You didn’t let him stay, did you? All because he can get you free concert tickets?”

“No, Of course not.”

“Whew, that’s better. You know, for a moment there you really had me going. But, what did you do?”

“It’s just as you just said, Joe. I did the right thing.”

“You mean…”

“That’s right. I held out for free parking.”