You see, when he started working there over ten years ago, his boss was really down on second-hand smoke. Up until then, the place had one of those “smoking zones” right outside the front door. A place where nicotine junkies could light up and catch a few drags before returning to the salt mine. However, shortly after our friend started working there, a new boss took over, and declared the entire grounds a smoke-free area. Needless to say, the smoking zone was history.

So, we were pretty amazed during our recent visit and discovered that pretty much the entire staff was standing out front puffing away. What’s more, they weren’t just blowing smoke, for their exhaled fumes took the form of tour itineraries.

For example, there was this short guy in a loud sports jacket and wearing a lousy toupee, who was smoking a pipe and spelling out all the cities on the Pearl Jam tour every time he exhaled. Pretty impressive. But not as impressive as one lady, a peroxide blonde with five-inch long fingernails, who was chain-smoking Winstons and forcing the smoke spewing from her lips to take the form of every date on the Bob Dylan tour with Willie Nelson. And, while that was an amazing feat in itself, it wasn’t nearly as spectacular as this one dude, a ’70s retro kind of guy dressed in baggie cuffed pants, platform shoes and sporting a mood ring on his pinkie, who was working on a cheap cigar and blowing out smoke patterns that spelled out each and every band on this year’s Warped Tour. Not only was that a spectacle that had to be seen to be believed, but you might even say we were “blown away.”

All in all, we were quite stunned at the change in our friend’s place of business. “It’s all due to our new boss,” said our friend. “What were once considered deadly vices are now welcomed habits, for our new boss says ‘smoke ’em if you got ’em.’ And we always ‘got ’em.'”

And that got us to thinking. Can smoking be as deadly as all the doctors and scientists claim if the result is something like the itinerary for Natalie Cole hanging in the air? Should we consider it an even trade-off when someone can inhale a Camel and blow out the dates for Queens Of The Stone Age and John Hiatt, even though that person may someday end up in an oxygen tent with a plastic tube down his nose? Food for thought, for sure.

But that’s what change is all about. One day, our friend’s old boss is persecuting anyone who might be tempted to strike a match, and then the next day our friend has a new boss, a boss who, not only allows his workers to stand outside the front entrance amidst a gray cloud of hazy tobacco smoke, but actually encourages them to do so. “Change is good,” said our friend as he lit a new Marlboro off of his previous smoke and blew out a cloud of smoke that quickly took the shape of the Kottonmouth Kings schedule. “Wanna watch me roll my own cigarette and then make the smoke spell out all the support acts on the U2 tour?”

Needless to say, that visit has been on our minds quite a bit these last few days. We’ll probably never forget the one woman in the beehive hairdo who could spell out all the dates Elvis Costello is doing with EmmyLou Harris, and do it only with the smoke from her Viceroy. Just as we’ll never forget the nineteen-year-old intern who could wave his cigar in the air and depict every additional Paul McCartney date in major markets. And we’ll always remember one fellow, a guy pushing retirement age, who already had part of his tongue surgically removed, but could still blow out a pattern that looked just like the Loggins & Messina routing, even though he was hacking and wheezing like there was no tomorrow. Yeah, it’s pretty hard to forget something like that. It just goes to show you what one single change can accomplish.

Even at the EPA.