“Have a seat, Earthling. I think my subordinates have told you why we’re here.”

“To enslave the human race for all of eternity? Yeah, they told me.”

“Yes, but enslaving entire global populations isn’t easy. That’s why I had my officers bring you to my quarters. We need a human being like you to help us in obtaining our goal.”

“Oh?”

“Uh, uh. As you can see, we’re a highly advanced, type-A kind of civilization. We take what we want, and we don’t care who gets hurt. However, when it comes to enslaving an entire planet, we’ve found it works much easier if we have some help. That’s where you come in.”

“How so?”

“We want to inject you with this neuro-neutralizer. Once injected, you’ll be able to pass the drug to anyone you physically come in contact with.”

“Inject me? Will it hurt?”

“No more than having to watch a VH1 Behind the Music about Gary Glitter. After we inject you, we’re going to send you to massive gatherings of your fellow humans where you will press the flesh, so to speak.”

“Press the flesh?”

“You know. Shake hands, high-fives, slaps on the backs. That sort of thing. Once your flesh comes in contact with another human’s flesh, the neuro-neutralizer will infect the other human, thus controlling his or her brain, and making the human more susceptible to total domination by my species.”

“I see. And what kind of gatherings do you have in mind?”

“Musical events.”

“Uh?”

“Concerts. We’re going to send you to all the big shows, like Paul McCartney and U2.”

“But.. But… tickets for all those shows are expensive.”

“Not to worry. One of our spies is disguised as a Clear Channel executive. Tickets shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Let me see if I got this straight. You want to enslave the entire human race?”

“That’s right. You see, we have a labor problem on our home planet. Our race is much too advanced to deal with simple chores, like gardening, housecleaning and pool cleaning. That’s why we need to totally subjugate the entire human race.”

“And to accomplish this, you want to inject me with this… this… drug?”

“The neuro-neutralizer.”

“Yeah, whatever. And then send me to shows by Ben Folds and 3 Doors Down, where I’ll help you enslave every human I physically come in contact with.”

“Yes, that’s pretty much it.”

“So, if I’m at a Billy Idol concert and I brush shoulders with someone…”

“That person will become our slave.”

“And if you send me to an Alice Cooper concert, and I happen to bump into someone while in line…”

“That person will also become our slave.”

“And if I happen to touch someone at a Motley Crue concert?”

“His butt is ours. Spandex is a very good neural-neutralizer conductor. So, what do you say? Will you help us complete our conquest of the human race? Or do we just toss you out of the airlock right now and find ourselves another human?”

“Well… I don’t know. Betraying my entire planet is a pretty big order. My name will be cursed for all of eternity.”

“That is true. Not only your name will be cursed, but all your descendants as well. I have the first batch of tickets for you right here. Including tickets for Montgomery Gentry, Rilo Kiley and Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Any more questions?”

“Just one.”

“Yes?”

“Are they good seats?”